25 things you really don't want or need to know...

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...




1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.

I am a major slacker and here are a few reasons why I suck ..

I have not been a very good blogger lately. I am so caught up in reading other people's shit, that I can't seem to write anything myself. That being said, I need to start carrying around a little notepad, because every single day something comes up that I can/should write about, but when I get home or get the chance, it all eludes me.

Then, of course, I could blog about the Zanester (GWLH) almost every day, but who wants to read that drivel day after day? (I'm sure you wouldn't mind, Mom) Although I must mention that his dinner request tonight was awesome: 1 pizza roll and 13 chicken fries.

Not to mention, a few months back, Holly, ran a "pay it forward" post/contest that I was one of the winners of, and I have yet to pay it forward. I really need to get my shit together.

If certain people weren't so damn entertaining, I could write something worthwhile. Not to mention I am also addicted to stupid awesome sites like Icanhazcheeseburger, failblog, passiveaggresivenotes, postsecret, cakewrecks, lovelylisting, dlisted, commonties, yousuckatcraigslist, whywomenhatemen, etc.

And then there is the following:

Sam just had a baby and her effing site crashed in the middle of everything.

Momofali's son just had surgery.

Mistressmom is going through some inner turmoil.

Of course there is FADKOG who is my hero.

And then, Bejewell who lost her beloved Simon and is at a loss for words, which brought me full circle to this

For some reason lately, I can't stop reading about other people's lives and still write about mine.

And finally, I tend to find myself much more clever when posting comments on someone else's blog than when I am writing my own post- so I guess I need to find my skin. (what the hell does that mean? GAH)

Bear/Bare(?) with me people, I know you are out there.....I will come back with something good. Please don't ditch me now!


What gives you writer's block? What makes your brain stop working, besides beer or illicit drugs? Who do you read that will inspire me or make me stop blogging altogether? I want to know....

A Sweet Little Interlude....

**NOTE: For the sake of this post, the Great White Lizard Hunter will be referred to by his real name, simply because it just makes sense.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.


"Hello Mama"

"Hello Zane"

"Hello Mom Mom"

"Hello Zane Zane"

"Hello sweet Mama"

"Hello sweet Zane"

"Hello pretty Mama"

"Hello cute Zane"

"Hello beautiful Mama"

"Hello handsome Zane"

"I love you Mama"

"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"


These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.




Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.

The "egg in my tummy" turns 7 today and he isn't any bigger

"Am I bigger?"

This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.

"Am I bigger, Mom?"

"Get up and let's see."

He stands up and looks at me.

"I'm bigger right?"

"Not really, honey."

"But I'm seven, right?"

"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."

"Then why I'm not bigger?"

***********************************************

That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.

"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"

"Sure, honey, sort of."

"But how did I get to be a baby?"

uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?

"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"

"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."

"Like scrambled eggs?"

"Yup"

We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink

what a boy eats

update - I cannot figure out why this post is spaced out so weird - sorry in advance - it is annoying the hell out of me....

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a very strange appetite. I am sure it is entirely my fault. While pregnant with him, I craved hot peanuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & V8. Sometimes I would even have pumpkin pie & mashed potatoes on the same plate - for breakfast.

Anyweirdo - the little guy has some strange tastes as well.

Peanuts? Yes

Reeses Peanut Butter cups? You bet!

Peanut butter? Hell no

fritos? hell no

cheetos? no way

doritos? oh yes

doritos with tobasco? even better

butterscotch candy? oh yes

butterscotch pudding? no way

chicken in any form? of course

steak? nope

pork, if you cut it and tell him it's chicken? absolutely

shrimp? you bet

crab legs? begs for it = he can eat a pound of it

salmon? no

broccoli? YES! (he calls them trees)

carrots? YES!

corn? no way

corn on the cob? not anymore

corn bread muffin? absolutely

Ready for a shocker? The child, the 6 year old child, does.not.like.chocolate. He will eat m&m's and that is it - and only the mini ones at that!

This mutant son of mine also likes raw veggies; green peppers, red peppers, cucumber, raw onion, mushrooms, olives & even jalapenos!

Will he eat a salad? NO!!

Recently, I let him make his own dinner. I have a picture, but can't bring myself to post it. He ate popcorn, cheese, black olives & wheat thins. yummy!!! *eye roll*

Do you know how hard it is to feed this kid?

Good Lord you stubborn bastard...

So we got hooked on this show last year called Breaking Bad. If you didn't see it, you really missed out. It's on AMC and the website keeps saying that season 2 will be out in 2009. Originally it was supposed to air this coming Sunday. Apparently it has been delayed. The Oilybeauhunk insists that the damn show is on A&E, but people, let me assure you that it is on AMC. I even showed him the website and he is still in denial.

So anyway, it is all we are looking forward to, and now we have to wait.

It stars Bryan Cranston from Malcolm in the Middle fame, and believe you me, this character is much different..... (preview from last season)




Notice the "AMC" on the video? Yeah, NOT A&E!!! Anywrongchannel, the Oilybeauhunk and I are at an impasse about when this stupid awesome show is going to start - and obviously - what channel it will be on when it does.

Have any of you ever seen it? Are any of you fans? It is a g-r-e-a-t show! If you leave a comment, please remember to remind the Oilybeauhunk that AMC & A&E are two entirely different channels. :) okai thks

Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....

Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.

I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....

1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.

I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.

So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:









How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.










We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....






And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.

My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*

How were your Holidays?

He's a slow pooper.......

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.

He doesn't like to actually go poop.

This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.

The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.

"He's pooping" I say.

"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"

Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.

Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.

We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"

I almost dropped the phone from laughter -

"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"

"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."

He knows Victoria's Secret

While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.

"I can't hear you honey, say it again."

"What garble garble garble garble."

"Sweetie, speak up."

a breathless whisper....

"What channel is that on?"

"Channel 6, honey."

With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.

"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."

He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.

At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,

"Mom, OBH, is this real?"

"Yes, it's real."

The OBH says to him,

"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"

*blushing* "Yes"

"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"

*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."

Ain't Got Time For The Pain

Dear Internet People,
I have like 30 drafts sitting here, but things are hectic now, and I can't bear to go and proofread one so I leave you with this: One of the best days I've had in awhile!!!!!!!! and, and.....it leads to the next one which I promise will be funny!
































Coming next: "The Slow Pooper"
Believe it or not it ties in to this post, albeit in a slightly obscure way, but it is sure to make you chuckle.