Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It was only a sticker

Several years ago I had a bumper sticker on my little Toyota Tercel (hated that car). It was just a simple black background with white letters.

It got me into a little bit of trouble.

I was constantly harassed by cars full of pubescent boys and grown men alike.

I was hollered at by other drivers.

Often they laughed.

Once, while parked in a parking lot next to a nude beach on a private, and very snooty island, someone even left a note on my windshield.

Another time, I was pulled over by the police. They.called.for.backup. What could I have possibly done wrong, I wondered?

After going through the whole license and registration BS and scaring the living shit out of me - they all snickered. I had been pulled over so they could see who had the balls to sport said bumper sticker.

What did the bumper sticker say?

Support Cannibalism

Eat Me

I sold that little car years ago, and sadly was unable to find another bumper sticker like that one. I do however sport a very nice black & white "support ribbon" on my Jeep Wrangler.

It says:

Support Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

A girls' gotta grow up a little some time, huh?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This conversation is going in the right direction, No?

Typical afternoon conversation between myself and couple female co-workers. See if you can follow along.

* It started with J talking about her husband's inability to wear pants.

* Which segued into a discussion about whether or not we, as woman, see our significant others differently while suffering from PMS.

* Which segued into a discussion about anger...

* then angry sex...

* then drunk sex...

* then whiskey dick...

* to anal...

* and finally giardia.

The best part was when TP (of the male persuasion) waked in right in time for the segue from drunk sex to whiskey dick. He quickly settled in for the rest of the conversation - but said nothing.

Ask me about our conversations about threesomes. That show Swingtown has our heads spinning!

Friday, September 19, 2008

I'll have a bacon/hot pepper sandwich please.

I have dealt with nothing but idiots today. Amazing Idiots. This one topped the cake....

I went to a sandwich place that rhymes with "tubday". I have to point out that I went through that automated drive-through with the too loud voice that repeats itself over and over. Here is what I ordered:

6" BLT

extra bacon


hot peppers

I drive up to the window, pay for my BLT, take my sandwich and head back to the office. I get my book, turn on the T.V. and prepare to eat my BLT. As I take the sandwich out of the bag, I realize it feels really light. It looks kinda funny too. I open the bread and what do you think I saw? Refer to my order above. In between the bread there was bacon, mayo and hot peppers. Where's the freaking L & T??? Luckily "tubday" is less than a mile from the office, so I get back in the hot car, drive back to the shop and plop that sandwich on the counter with my receipt. I say "I didn't get what I ordered." Stupid sandwich girl says, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"Yes, and I ordered a BLT."

again, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"It says '1 BLT' a BLT is bacon, lettuce & tomato, it is called a BLT because that is what is ON IT. It already implies that there is bacon, lettuce and tomato on the sandwich."

She looks at me with a blank stare - empty - STUPID - while she puts lettuce and tomato on the sandwich.

It was like a bad comedy skit

"Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I'll have a BLT."

"And what would like on your BLT, ma'am?"

"Call me crazy but I'm gonna have bacon, lettuce & tomato on that bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwich."

"Coming right up."

I mean come on!!!! Ignorance really must be bliss.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Once upon a time I had satellite radio in my jeep.

I was addicted to the comedy station.

GWLH was 4 yrs old.

I picked him up from daycare.

I forgot to change the station.

I wasn't really paying attention.

He was babbling about his "busy" 4 year old day.

Did I mention I wasn't really paying attention?

Then I heard his sweet little voice say this:

"Motherfucker, that's a bad word."

I never forgot to change the station again.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Introducing the lesbian dogs

Misty Blue & Stormy Heather - they are sooo gay.
That was the pre-makeout session.

Then they totally use tongue.

Tropical Storm Fay Sunset

These are a little late, because I am lazy, but they are coooool!

Mmmmmm Brownies

So I pick GWLH up from school last Friday. He has a brownie, given to him by one of the teachers. He shares it with me and we marvel at the goodness that is "the brownie".

"I want to make brownies, Mom, I loooove brownies!"

"Well, I just happen to know how to make them, we will do it this weekend."

We sure had fun making them together. Waiting the 45 minute cook time was almost unbearable.

When they were done, I gave him his piece of ooey goodness.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the room.... with the brownie.

"I don't like brownies, Mom."

Alrighty then.

The Great Green Bean Caper

Place: Work
Time: Noon

The phone rings, I answer.....
"Ms. OBH?"
"This is GWLH's teacher - I have some really bad news."

**heart jumps into throat**

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"I just picked up the class from the cafeteria and it turns out that GWLH was shooting green beans through his straw across the table."

**heart goes back down**
**subdued laughter insues**

"I see"

"Can you talk to him please?"

now at this point I want to give him a high five and laugh with him, and tell him "that shooting stuff through straws can be fun - just.not.at.school.!

Instead I do the "right" thing. The teacher thanks me and we hang up.

When I pick up the little green bean shooter from school, he is quiet and a little shaken.

"Sorry Mom"

"We'll talk when we get home"

OBH has been pre-informed and is ready for us when we get home with straws and plenty of pre-rolled spit balls. A good time was had by all.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Cable TV = $45 month

Sony personal CD player = $99

Sony PSP = $250 with games

GWLH telling me he is bored = Priceless

Friday, September 5, 2008

Open Letter to Hurricane Ike

Dear Ike,
Please, please speak to your cousin Hurricane Charley before you visit my home. Charley was kind enough to send a 100 year old Oak tree crashing through my roof, and I was kind of hoping that you, dear Hurricane Ike, could pack a bigger punch and wreak a little more havoc on this God forsaken house. I know, I know, we got a new roof and a new kitchen out of the deal, but the thing is? - We Hate This House. Of course spare me, and GWLH and OBH and the stupid dogs and cats.
But the house? Yeah, we're done with it.

Thank you and see ya Tuesday - or maybe Wednesday.


Monday, September 1, 2008

Chuck E Cheese is hell on earth

For the love of God - this place is evil. SHOOT ME NOW. I tried to write a post, but I simply can't. Just fuckery is what that place is.


loooooove him :)