Friday, October 31, 2008

Mallory totally ROCKS Halloween!

Last night after trick-or-treating we went downtown to the Halloween Spooktacular. It was a block party full of freaks and geeks and the crowning moment of the event was the band on the main stage.

It was Juliette and the Licks. Hello? Juliette Lewis - Academy Award nominee?

Cape Fear?

Natural Born Killers?


Sunday, October 26, 2008

People will think you're a real Zombie - with tattoos on you.

That is what the Great White Lizard hunter said to the Oilybeauhunk as we were getting ready for Zombicom '08. Yeah, Zombies don't normally act like they do at Zombicom, I mean, come on, beer drinking, cigarette smoking, dancing to DJ's and general debauchery isn't in the true Zombie tradition, but hey. Apparently, parts of the first, the original, Dawn of the Dead was filmed right here in our little downtown area, so someone thought it would be a good idea to celebrate that fact. Zombicon comes complete with a 2 hour crash course in "how to walk like a Zombie" and free makeup and hair for those who couldn't figure out how to look ugly dead. At midnight, there is a Zombie walk through the streets of downtown. Last year there were about 1,500 people. No word yet as to how many showed up last night, but damn, it was crowded, and it was fun. We let the dogs get in on the fun before we left.

The Oilybeauhunk got creative with his scissors and a blowtorch for our clothes.

There were many a freak there.......awesome!

The Great White Lizard Hunter kinda looks like a deer in the headlights here, but it's just because he was freaking out on the big spider guy.

Yes, that's a cymbal.

Creepy spider guy.

Oh my God - it's Shawn of the Dead - he's gonna take us all out!

It was fun, but we had to leave before the big Zombie walk, because the tree that was holding me up had to go pee, and there was nothing to help me stabilize since draft beer gravity had let me down.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Excellent Injury Thursday #2

We were having a lovely day on the boat (sound familiar?) We stopped at Cayo Costa and I took some awesome pictures. These being some of my favorites:

I even got some of the locals:

Hello Mr. Manatee!

Hello little Sand Pipers!

After a couple hours of relaxing on the island, we packed up and headed into the Sound to do some fishing. Before you ask, yes, duh, we were drinking. We were out on the boat. That is what you do. The Oilybeauhunk and Great White Lizard Hunter were set with their poles and fishing away. Since they were situated, I got up to get my pole. I lost my footing a little bit and fell backwards into the middle of the boat. Where-the-poles-were-standing. Here is the lovely result......

Yeah, that's got three prongs in it. Two are stuck in my arm. The Oilybeauhunk did the only thing he could think of in a drunken panicked state of mind, he grabbed the pliers, I braced myself against the steering wheel, with my beer firmly pressed to my lips, and he yanked that fucker out. Yeah, not really, because you see, at the bottom of that awesome lure are THREE.MORE.HOOKS. When he yanked, those bottom three flipped around and hooked me in the back of the arm. All three of them. Sorry, no pictures of that because that is when I finally lost it. The poor Great White Lizard Hunter was now getting scared because we weren't laughing anymore. He started to cry, so I had to compose myself and convince him that I was alright. I grabbed another beer, slammed it, held on for dear life and told the OBH to GO! During this time he got in the right frame of mind and cut the frigging hooks off first - before the yanking began.

Can you see the rust by the way? Can you say Tetanus shot? When he got the last three out, he wanted to go straight in and go to the hospital. I wasn't done fishing drinking beer, so I said hell no. We moved on to another island and did some shelling, me with my ice-filled fish stained towel tied firmly around my arm. Good Times!

UPDATE: The Oilybeauhunk just realized what I was posting and said that I should be careful because eventually I will run out of injuries to post. I just smiled at him and he gave me 'that look' and said, "Kaila, don't you even dare start doing stupid shit on purpose.!"

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I choked on my burp.

The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:

"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Egg Timer

Lately, the Great White Lizard Hunter's life is measured only in minutes.

If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"

If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."

This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!

How many more minutes 'til Friday?

How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?

How many minutes is 120 minutes?

Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.

It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.

The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

All new Excellent Injury Thursday!

I mentioned in one of my first posts about how awesomely I injure myself. Let me present to you exhibit "A" with a little back story of course.

It was always so sad to see the lesbian dogs' faces when we were getting the boat ready to take out. We never took them with us because......well.......they are unstable.

One weekend we decided to give it a shot. The girls jumped in the jeep with such enthusiasm it was heart warming.

When we got to the dock and launched the boat, the girls jumped right on from the dock. Maybe this was going to be a good thing!

Yeah, right. As soon as the boat started moving down the inlet, Skittish dog started to freak the fuck out. Before we knew it, she jumped over the side and disappeared.

Oilybeauhunk swung the boat around and tried to grab her. She went toward the seawall and disappeared again underneath a 40 foot boat that was docked there. She popped up again on the other side by the seawall that was covered in razor sharp oysters. One of the guys that worked at the marina saw the commotion and came and tried to help. As he was trying to grab her from the seawall OBH yelled at me to jump in after her. Now mind you, I can swim well enough to keep my head above water, but I am in no way a swimmer. When I got to Skittish dog, who kept disappearing under the water, she came at me and pushed me under. Not once, but twice. Now we were both in peril. What a mess. Finally she swam back toward our boat and OBH reached out with one arm and scooped her up. I was helped onto the docked boat by the marina guy.

Even though we were only 20 yards away from the launch ramp, I was ready to call it a day. OBH was having none of it. While all of this had been happening, the other dog, we'll call her Laid Back dog, was getting her sea legs, and digging walking around the deck of the boat, oblivious to the chaos around her.

We headed out toward the coastal islands, and spent a nice afternoon. Skittish dog finally relaxed enough so that it didn't look like her eyes were popping out of her head, but she never once stood up or left the bottom of the boat. Laid Back dog, however, was having a blast. We stopped near one of the beaches, threw anchor and jumped in. Laid Back dog, jumped right in after us and swam around with us. It was pretty cool. We'd put her back on the boat and she would run and jump off again and again. While she was having all this fun, Skittish dog sulked.

We decided to cut their first boating day a little short, and headed back to the marina. When we got there, the dogs were eyeing land like a sailor who has been at sea for a hundred days. We neared the dock and I stepped off the bow onto the dock. Sort of..................

I kinda missed. That picture is from three days later. I couldn't walk for two days. The bruising got much much worse after that. I had managed to separate the fatty tissue that resides between your skin and muscle, and push it up further on my thigh. "Kind of like a cheese grater" is how the orthopedic surgeon explained it. The point of impact, the yellowish area in the pic, is now a big indent and my skin rests directly on my muscle. It is still, two and a half years later, very sensitive.
There you have it, my first example of awesome injuries. There will be more. I am really good at it. Mind you, alcohol is pretty much always involved.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Smart Boy

The GWLH saw that Dunkin Donuts commercial on TV this morning where the woman walks out of her house and grabs a few bills off of the "money tree" in her front yard.

He turned and looked at me and said "don't you wish you had a money tree, Mom?"

"You bet." I answered.

Then the smartest boy on earth said, "Yeah, then we could take the boat out fishing every day."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Overheard at work...

The superintendents are having their weekly meeting with the Director of Construction. It is 4pm in the afternoon. This is what I hear.........

"You don't understand, my cable is out."

"So, they can fix it tomorrow."

"No, there is a very important debate on tonight that I cannot miss."

"But it is on late, like 9pm."

"Well, maybe you should go to California, it will be on at 6pm there."

"You should leave now."

"Wait, maybe you should just go to Europe, it will already be over."

WTF????????? I work with these people.