Friday, November 28, 2008

Turkey Shmurkey, I don't know the rest of the story...

I don't have a creative bone in my body today. My stomach is still full and I am tired. I did find this little note that I must have written last week, it was part of a conversation that I don't remember, but I wrote this much of it down - and keep in mind - I can't make this shit up, people, this really comes out of his mouth...

"That would be awesome, you bent over with your ass in the air and me watching the weather channel."

I have no idea............

Our Turkey Day was for the most part uneventful - the same old thing, too much food, too much booze. It was wonderful to reconnect with family for the first time in many many long months - Even.Though.We.Only.Live.40.Miles.Apart.At.The.Most. I love these people, we just never get together enough. And if you are reading this Mom, we missed you.


This is what I am thankful for this year.
She has been sick for 6 months. We finally got her healed and gave her a very much needed bath today. She will be ready for tomorrow.

This will be us tomorrow........don't be hatin'

That picture was taken by a helicopter before she got sick. The only difference tomorrow is that the Great White Lizard Hunter will be with us.

Say Hello to the Captain!

Hopefully there will be plenty of this:

And I will try not to let this happen again...........

See ya! Haters.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Of hairy boogers and good books

So I am reading this book called "The Gone-Away World" by Nick Harkaway. It is pretty cool, but a difficult read. This sentence stumped me:

"Mr. Clisp, the gambler, teaches us not only mathematics but also materialistic ethics, setting logic puzzles on the board which appear to be value-neutral but which, when resolved, condemn the vituperative harridan in ringing tones."

I read it out loud to the Oilybeauhunk.

OBH - "I know what it means, but I'm not going to tell you."

Me - "Oh really?"

OBH - "Duh, vituperative means nose picking."

Me - "OK?"

OBH - "And harridan is hairy boogers - so duh (sticking finger in nose) vituperative - (flicking finger out) harridan. Picking hairy boogers."

Me - shrugs shoulders and walks away.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

**news flash**

**According to Jenny the Bloggess, 4 kittens were strangled because I wrote this post**

one must note that The Bloggess doesn't need traffic from me because she rocks (and I don't get any traffic, but the awesomeness is relevant (crap that's 5 kittens)

The little window in our door fell out and broke last week. It was no big deal as our weather has been awesome and the screen is still in place. Not to mention we were going to get a new window this weekend.
Well the temperature is expected to fall to 39 tonight.
As I was cooking dinner, the Oilybeauhunk was doing something "crafty", and by "crafty" I mean I am using too many "quotation marks" and he is doing something "redneckish" or "white trashy" if you will.

I turn to find a cut up Coors Light box duct taped into the slot of the missing window.

"Why don't you put tin foil up in the living room windows while you're at it, hon?"

"That would be awesome because it's sparkly" he says.

My "My Name is Earl" accent kicks in:

"Fer sure 'cuz it's just tinsel dat ain't been sliced up yet."

"We can hang empty beer cans up for bells and windchimes and use beer tabs for ornaments on the tree" he says.

"Awesome, dude, how about taking bottle caps and drilling little holes for the tree lights to fit through for more sparkle?" I say.

Even more awesome -

"We could cut cans in half for votive candles - that would make for nice ambiance."

"The levels we could take this are endless!!!!!!!"

Where's the dremel? Christmas will be cheap this year - And Sparkly!

Do you like my temporary window?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The awesome Mr. Beez

For fourteen years you enriched my life.

For fourteen years you put up with my insanity.

For fourteen years you followed me everywhere.

You didn't like to be held, but you loved to have your ears & belly rubbed.

You were not a lap cat.

You were stoic and handsome.

You lived like a king.

You fetched balls like a dog and later tought Hershey how to do the same thing.

You came to greet me every day when I came home from work.

You loved raw hamburger.

You pissed off the dogs.

You were a shitty fighter.

You had a fat belly and were proud of it.

You liked to have your nuts rubbed. I was the only one who would do it.

You didn't meow. You said MEH, and you meant it.

You filled a void in my life.

You let Hettie smack you every morning at breakfast.

You and Hershey got your gay love on in what we called your fag & fight sessions - and they were awesome.

You S-T-U-N-K dude. You rolled in some stank ass shit and then came in the house to share said stank.

You were a master hunter. Remember the 63 voles and the skinned headless rabbit you brought me on that 2 month camping trip? Damn. How about the 4 dead squirrels you left me INMYHOUSE while I was away for the weekend?

You jumped out of said camper, twice, whilst going 55 mph on a highway at night and still made it back to me.

Why then, could you not miss the tires last night on your stroll across the street?

Bezl, I miss you.

My heart is broken.

I keep looking for you in your usual spots. Up at the ceiling on the kitchen cabinets. On your scratching post. In my bed.

For fourteen years you were my sidekick.

Even Hershey & Hettie - who hate each other - are sleeping together. THAT has never happened before.

You were the first cat begging for breakfast every morning.

You weren't here for breakfast this morning.

Dude. I miss you more than words can say.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Drunk Dialing - Infommercial Style

What makes a person purchase something they don't need? I understand impulse buys in a store. I understand the impulse buy when grocery shopping whilst hungry. But this? This is just absurd.

Drunk e-mailing - done it.

Drunk myspace - done it.

Drunk commenting on blogs - guilty

Drunk dialing - totally did it.

Now I can add a new one to the list. Drunk Infommercial ordering.

Shit I am lame.

In the last two weeks I have recieved the following two items, God help me if anything else shows up.....

The UPS guys, the FedEx guys, the Culligan guys and the mail people don't come to my door because they are afraid of our dogs. My neighbor across the street always gets our packages. To my dismay, she called me 10 days ago laughing.

"I've got your SHAMWOW! package."

"Jesus Christ", I say

Fucking SHAMWOW! These things are C-R-A-P. What was I thinking? Not to mention that dude on the infommercial is annoying as all hell.

Last week she calls me again - really laughing this time.

"I've got your Aqua Globes."

"Oh, shit, I'll meet you outside."

People? - fucking Aqua Globes. These things are for watering your houseplants. NEWSFLASH!!! I do not have a single houseplant. Not one. Zero. Zilch.

What in the world possessed me to order these gawdy pieces of blown glass? Oh that's right, Coors Light.

I guess I know who's getting some lame-ass Christmas Gifts this year. Sorry family & friends, but the beer made me do it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Apparently I am going to use the word Apparently a lot in this post.

So, apparently there is some cartoon called Bakugon.
Apparently it is all the rage with young boys/kids.
Apparently my son is a huge fan.
Apparently I am not as good a mother as I thought, because

At the bowling alley Saturday, the Great White Lizard Hunter finds what looks to me like a little black ball. He starts going ape shit yelling Bakugon! Bakugon!

I'm looking at him like he has three heads trying to figure out what he is saying. I ask the Oilybeauhunk if he has a clue. He just shrugs and shakes his head.

You would think the kid found the last golden ticket.

For the rest of the day it was Bakugon Stand! Bakugon Rumble! Bakugon! Bakugon!

Flash forward to Sunday morning. While reading the paper I see an ad for a Bakugon Rumble Arena or something to that effect. Well now my interest is picqued. The Oilybeauhunk and I decide, we are going to go out and get that kid some Bakugon shit toys.

Yeah. Apparently Bakugon is a *HOT* item this year.

Toys-r-us? Sold Out
Wal-Mart? Sold Out
K-Mart? Sold Out
Target? Sold Out
KB Toys? Sold Out

Holy hell.

When we got home from our failed mission I got online.
Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be receiving the $150 Mack Daddy Deluxe Bakugon Starter Pack in the mail within 5-12 days.

Apparently, I am insane.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

208 year old Farted Boogers - 6 year old style

We had dinner at Outback recently. (One of our usual places.) The kids menu/coloring book had finally changed. It had one of those stories where you fill in the blanks with verbs, adverbs, exclamations etc. I totally had to keep this one to share, 'cuz damn. The Great White Lizard Hunter is a true American 6 year old. I will type the "story" as is, with his words in color. Enjoy.

It was a snowy day when Scrumper decided to look for games in the Outback. She ran over to her friends's house and on the way stepped in gum, which made her smell like dog poop. Scrumper got to Haiden's house and when the door opened, her friend yelled crap! "Let's go to the Great Barrier Reef," said Scrumper, "so I can wash off my brain." When they arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, they found two shoes that had washed up on shore. This find looked to be 208 years old! After looking at it further, they came to realize that what they found was in fact boogers left over from someone farting!

I had no idea that you could fart boogers!
All hail the 6 year old brain!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A Brand New Day

At the Polling place, I started to feel electric. My hair was standing on end. When I was handed my ballot and moved toward my voter booth to make my choices, I started to cry. I felt so empowered and the importance of this was overwhelming. Since I didn't have any tissues in my purse, I had to do something that I am always yelling at the Great White Lizard Hunter NOT to do. I grabbed the neck of my shirt and wiped the snot from my nose. Classy.

Last night was amazing, and I still get goosebumps thinking about the ramifications of all of it. It is, indeed, a brand new day. I am excited.