Monday, December 22, 2008

He's a slow pooper.......

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.

He doesn't like to actually go poop.

This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.

The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.

"He's pooping" I say.

"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"

Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.

Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.

We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.


"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"

I almost dropped the phone from laughter -

"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"

"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He knows Victoria's Secret

While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.

"I can't hear you honey, say it again."

"What garble garble garble garble."

"Sweetie, speak up."

a breathless whisper....

"What channel is that on?"

"Channel 6, honey."

With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.

"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."

He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.

At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,

"Mom, OBH, is this real?"

"Yes, it's real."

The OBH says to him,

"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"

*blushing* "Yes"

"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"

*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ain't Got Time For The Pain

Dear Internet People,
I have like 30 drafts sitting here, but things are hectic now, and I can't bear to go and proofread one so I leave you with this: One of the best days I've had in awhile!!!!!!!! and, leads to the next one which I promise will be funny!

Coming next: "The Slow Pooper"
Believe it or not it ties in to this post, albeit in a slightly obscure way, but it is sure to make you chuckle.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What is wrong with these pictures?


Answer: Hershey is not making the ducks leave, thereby letting them shit their nasty slime all over my yard.


Answer: It is 80 degrees outside and we are hanging Christmas lights.


Answer: What is my son doing on the roof with a broom?


This is what happens when 6 year old boys help you decorate your gingerbread house.

Batman, The Incredible Hulk, dinosaurs, army men, spiders & bugs, drunk clowns.....

What do you people think??????? Any observations? Any comments?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out

I LOVE music.


I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.

The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)

I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.

I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.

I am a TOOL fanatic.

Maynard James Keenan is God a genius.
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.

I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.

When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.

That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.

He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".

He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."

Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).

I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.

Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.

Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of the losers 20 yr olds, we showed up just in time for the two headliners - Shinedown & Avenged Sevenfold.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.

I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.

I have created a monster.

And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Random Thoughts at Work 12-3-08, or other reasons why I absolutely love my job, but hate certain people

* Why does "C" look like she's about to take flight every time she is telling a story? Those arms are flapping!

* Why does "C" constantly have to slam her hands down on the print table while she is talking and attempting to take flight?

* Perhaps slamming the table prevents the actual taking off process? Either way both are annoying as hell and I must walk away mid-sentence.

* Dear "C", if you print a document to the printer, or are making copies on said printer, and it stops mid-way, hitting the printer and swearing at it will not make it continue to print. Opening one of the drawers, however, and putting more paper in, will. Just so you know.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking (every 30 minutes). You are fucking weird. Nobody wants to talk to you. You think you are hot shit with that blue-tooth dont'cha? You talk like Mike Tyson, have you been sucking helium? Most of us in the office avoid going outside if we see you out there. Please stop checking in my window while walking in circles to see if I am watching you. When you are out there, I hide in the back.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking - bending down and picking weeds out of the cracks of the pavers does not a "landscape architect" make. Please stop telling me that is what you are. I know better.

* Dear "K" who works in the office across the courtyard. I know it was a little cold today, but it is Wednesday, the day of the week that you always wear the inappropriate white "Marilyn Monroe" dress to your office. No hard feelings, you are built like a linebacker and we always laugh at you anyway.

* Dear caller, if you call for someone and I tell you they are not in and "no, I do not have their schedule", do not ask me if I know of a better time to call because my next answer will be "never."

* Dear other caller, who has called every day for the past two months for the same person and has left a message for that person every time. Get a clue, they haven't called you back. They aren't going to. Stop calling. I stopped writing down the message 3 weeks ago.

* I have got to do something with these shoes I'm wearing because they are making my feet stink.

* Dear "M", when I tell you "so & so" is on the phone for you, do not ask me what they want. I do not know. Don't ask me why they didn't call your cell phone. I do not know, but they are on the phone right now, waiting for you to pick up. Do not give me a blank stare - either answer the damn call or I'll take a message.

* Dear UPS dude - it has been a year and a half. Please stop hitting on me now. Yes, I am still with the Oilybeauhunk. No, I don't want to "make him mad."

PS: why do UPS dudes always smell like a combination of my grandmother's attic and my mother's basement?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux

The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.

Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at the gates of hell Chuck-E-Cheese.

So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?

Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?

What am I missing here?