What is wrong with these pictures?

First:



Answer: Hershey is not making the ducks leave, thereby letting them shit their nasty slime all over my yard.


Second:



Answer: It is 80 degrees outside and we are hanging Christmas lights.


Third:



Answer: What is my son doing on the roof with a broom?

Fourth:



This is what happens when 6 year old boys help you decorate your gingerbread house.




Batman, The Incredible Hulk, dinosaurs, army men, spiders & bugs, drunk clowns.....





What do you people think??????? Any observations? Any comments?

I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out

I LOVE music.

LIVE
LOUD
IN MY FACE

I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.

The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)

I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.

I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.

I am a TOOL fanatic.

Maynard James Keenan is God a genius.
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.

I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.

When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.

That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.

He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".

He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."

Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).

I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.

Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.

Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of the losers 20 yr olds, we showed up just in time for the two headliners - Shinedown & Avenged Sevenfold.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.

I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.

I have created a monster.

And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.

Random Thoughts at Work 12-3-08, or other reasons why I absolutely love my job, but hate certain people

* Why does "C" look like she's about to take flight every time she is telling a story? Those arms are flapping!

* Why does "C" constantly have to slam her hands down on the print table while she is talking and attempting to take flight?

* Perhaps slamming the table prevents the actual taking off process? Either way both are annoying as hell and I must walk away mid-sentence.

* Dear "C", if you print a document to the printer, or are making copies on said printer, and it stops mid-way, hitting the printer and swearing at it will not make it continue to print. Opening one of the drawers, however, and putting more paper in, will. Just so you know.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking (every 30 minutes). You are fucking weird. Nobody wants to talk to you. You think you are hot shit with that blue-tooth dont'cha? You talk like Mike Tyson, have you been sucking helium? Most of us in the office avoid going outside if we see you out there. Please stop checking in my window while walking in circles to see if I am watching you. When you are out there, I hide in the back.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking - bending down and picking weeds out of the cracks of the pavers does not a "landscape architect" make. Please stop telling me that is what you are. I know better.

* Dear "K" who works in the office across the courtyard. I know it was a little cold today, but it is Wednesday, the day of the week that you always wear the inappropriate white "Marilyn Monroe" dress to your office. No hard feelings, you are built like a linebacker and we always laugh at you anyway.

* Dear caller, if you call for someone and I tell you they are not in and "no, I do not have their schedule", do not ask me if I know of a better time to call because my next answer will be "never."

* Dear other caller, who has called every day for the past two months for the same person and has left a message for that person every time. Get a clue, they haven't called you back. They aren't going to. Stop calling. I stopped writing down the message 3 weeks ago.

* I have got to do something with these shoes I'm wearing because they are making my feet stink.

* Dear "M", when I tell you "so & so" is on the phone for you, do not ask me what they want. I do not know. Don't ask me why they didn't call your cell phone. I do not know, but they are on the phone right now, waiting for you to pick up. Do not give me a blank stare - either answer the damn call or I'll take a message.
mmmmmmm-kay?

* Dear UPS dude - it has been a year and a half. Please stop hitting on me now. Yes, I am still with the Oilybeauhunk. No, I don't want to "make him mad."

PS: why do UPS dudes always smell like a combination of my grandmother's attic and my mother's basement?

Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux

The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.

Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at the gates of hell Chuck-E-Cheese.

So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?

Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?

What am I missing here?

Turkey Shmurkey, I don't know the rest of the story...

I don't have a creative bone in my body today. My stomach is still full and I am tired. I did find this little note that I must have written last week, it was part of a conversation that I don't remember, but I wrote this much of it down - and keep in mind - I can't make this shit up, people, this really comes out of his mouth...

"That would be awesome, you bent over with your ass in the air and me watching the weather channel."

I have no idea............


Our Turkey Day was for the most part uneventful - the same old thing, too much food, too much booze. It was wonderful to reconnect with family for the first time in many many long months - Even.Though.We.Only.Live.40.Miles.Apart.At.The.Most. I love these people, we just never get together enough. And if you are reading this Mom, we missed you.

Anywho----

This is what I am thankful for this year.
She has been sick for 6 months. We finally got her healed and gave her a very much needed bath today. She will be ready for tomorrow.

This will be us tomorrow........don't be hatin'




That picture was taken by a helicopter before she got sick. The only difference tomorrow is that the Great White Lizard Hunter will be with us.

Say Hello to the Captain!




Hopefully there will be plenty of this:




And I will try not to let this happen again...........





See ya! Haters.

Of hairy boogers and good books

So I am reading this book called "The Gone-Away World" by Nick Harkaway. It is pretty cool, but a difficult read. This sentence stumped me:

"Mr. Clisp, the gambler, teaches us not only mathematics but also materialistic ethics, setting logic puzzles on the board which appear to be value-neutral but which, when resolved, condemn the vituperative harridan in ringing tones."

I read it out loud to the Oilybeauhunk.

OBH - "I know what it means, but I'm not going to tell you."

Me - "Oh really?"

OBH - "Duh, vituperative means nose picking."

Me - "OK?"

OBH - "And harridan is hairy boogers - so duh (sticking finger in nose) vituperative - (flicking finger out) harridan. Picking hairy boogers."

Me - shrugs shoulders and walks away.

I'm dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

**news flash**
**According to Jenny the Bloggess, 4 kittens were strangled because I wrote this post**
one must note that The Bloggess doesn't need traffic from me because she rocks (and I don't get any traffic, but the awesomeness is relevant (crap that's 5 kittens)

The little window in our door fell out and broke last week. It was no big deal as our weather has been awesome and the screen is still in place. Not to mention we were going to get a new window this weekend.
Well the temperature is expected to fall to 39 tonight.
As I was cooking dinner, the Oilybeauhunk was doing something "crafty", and by "crafty" I mean I am using too many "quotation marks" and he is doing something "redneckish" or "white trashy" if you will.

I turn to find a cut up Coors Light box duct taped into the slot of the missing window.

"Why don't you put tin foil up in the living room windows while you're at it, hon?"

"That would be awesome because it's sparkly" he says.

My "My Name is Earl" accent kicks in:

"Fer sure 'cuz it's just tinsel dat ain't been sliced up yet."

"We can hang empty beer cans up for bells and windchimes and use beer tabs for ornaments on the tree" he says.

"Awesome, dude, how about taking bottle caps and drilling little holes for the tree lights to fit through for more sparkle?" I say.

Even more awesome -

"We could cut cans in half for votive candles - that would make for nice ambiance."

"The levels we could take this are endless!!!!!!!"

Where's the dremel? Christmas will be cheap this year - And Sparkly!

Do you like my temporary window?

The awesome Mr. Beez

For fourteen years you enriched my life.

For fourteen years you put up with my insanity.

For fourteen years you followed me everywhere.

You didn't like to be held, but you loved to have your ears & belly rubbed.

You were not a lap cat.

You were stoic and handsome.

You lived like a king.

You fetched balls like a dog and later tought Hershey how to do the same thing.

You came to greet me every day when I came home from work.

You loved raw hamburger.

You pissed off the dogs.

You were a shitty fighter.

You had a fat belly and were proud of it.

You liked to have your nuts rubbed. I was the only one who would do it.

You didn't meow. You said MEH, and you meant it.

You filled a void in my life.

You let Hettie smack you every morning at breakfast.

You and Hershey got your gay love on in what we called your fag & fight sessions - and they were awesome.

You S-T-U-N-K dude. You rolled in some stank ass shit and then came in the house to share said stank.

You were a master hunter. Remember the 63 voles and the skinned headless rabbit you brought me on that 2 month camping trip? Damn. How about the 4 dead squirrels you left me INMYHOUSE while I was away for the weekend?

You jumped out of said camper, twice, whilst going 55 mph on a highway at night and still made it back to me.

Why then, could you not miss the tires last night on your stroll across the street?

Bezl, I miss you.

My heart is broken.

I keep looking for you in your usual spots. Up at the ceiling on the kitchen cabinets. On your scratching post. In my bed.

For fourteen years you were my sidekick.

Even Hershey & Hettie - who hate each other - are sleeping together. THAT has never happened before.

You were the first cat begging for breakfast every morning.

You weren't here for breakfast this morning.

Dude. I miss you more than words can say.

Drunk Dialing - Infommercial Style

What makes a person purchase something they don't need? I understand impulse buys in a store. I understand the impulse buy when grocery shopping whilst hungry. But this? This is just absurd.



Drunk e-mailing - done it.

Drunk myspace - done it.

Drunk commenting on blogs - guilty

Drunk dialing - totally did it.



Now I can add a new one to the list. Drunk Infommercial ordering.



Shit I am lame.



In the last two weeks I have recieved the following two items, God help me if anything else shows up.....



The UPS guys, the FedEx guys, the Culligan guys and the mail people don't come to my door because they are afraid of our dogs. My neighbor across the street always gets our packages. To my dismay, she called me 10 days ago laughing.



"I've got your SHAMWOW! package."

"Jesus Christ", I say



Fucking SHAMWOW! These things are C-R-A-P. What was I thinking? Not to mention that dude on the infommercial is annoying as all hell.



Last week she calls me again - really laughing this time.



"I've got your Aqua Globes."

"Oh, shit, I'll meet you outside."



People? - fucking Aqua Globes. These things are for watering your houseplants. NEWSFLASH!!! I do not have a single houseplant. Not one. Zero. Zilch.



What in the world possessed me to order these gawdy pieces of blown glass? Oh that's right, Coors Light.



I guess I know who's getting some lame-ass Christmas Gifts this year. Sorry family & friends, but the beer made me do it.

Apparently I am going to use the word Apparently a lot in this post.

So, apparently there is some cartoon called Bakugon.
Apparently it is all the rage with young boys/kids.
Apparently my son is a huge fan.
Apparently I am not as good a mother as I thought, because I.had.no.idea.

At the bowling alley Saturday, the Great White Lizard Hunter finds what looks to me like a little black ball. He starts going ape shit yelling Bakugon! Bakugon!

I'm looking at him like he has three heads trying to figure out what he is saying. I ask the Oilybeauhunk if he has a clue. He just shrugs and shakes his head.

You would think the kid found the last golden ticket.

For the rest of the day it was Bakugon Stand! Bakugon Rumble! Bakugon! Bakugon!

Flash forward to Sunday morning. While reading the paper I see an ad for a Bakugon Rumble Arena or something to that effect. Well now my interest is picqued. The Oilybeauhunk and I decide, we are going to go out and get that kid some Bakugon shit toys.

Yeah. Apparently Bakugon is a *HOT* item this year.

Toys-r-us? Sold Out
Wal-Mart? Sold Out
K-Mart? Sold Out
Target? Sold Out
KB Toys? Sold Out

Holy hell.

When we got home from our failed mission I got online.
Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be receiving the $150 Mack Daddy Deluxe Bakugon Starter Pack in the mail within 5-12 days.

Apparently, I am insane.