Excellent Injury Thursday #3

It's been a long time since I started this series. This particular "excellent injury" really doesn't compare to this one or this one. At least the end result picture doesn't do it justice like the previous ones.

So anyway, we had our redneck caps on and were sporting our rebel flags. (not really) We were at the mud pit gettin' our jeeps dirtay.




That is totally me. Proof? You need proof? Well here I am conducting a little business after my last run.




I wasn't conducting business at all. I was trying to locate our buddy with the rope because the Oilybeauhunk was stuck. No way I was pulling him out! He's got a jeep too, and I had already been stuck...twice.



I located the puller-outer and we continued to get dirtay.

However, when the beer was gone day was done, we headed home for the arduous task of cleaning the dirtay vehicles.

We parked in the driveway and assessed our situation.

Mud.Lots.Of.Mud.

The Oilybeauhunk did the proper thing and gathered hoses, and scrub brushes and cleaning supplies. I did what every respectable redneck wannabe does and went in the house to don my bikini top and daisy dukes. (Isn't that how you are supposed to dress to wash a car?) I thought so.

So, we are hosing, and scrubbing and washing and hosing....(not that kind of hosing - not in the driveway anyway - unless it's dark out and the neighbors are asleep - note to self, check u-tube).

I saw a clump of mud on my windshield. At the top, in the middle, I couldn't quite reach it. What does a drunk redneck girl in a bikini top and daisy dukes do in that situation?

She climbs up on the wet and soapy hood of her jeep to get said clump of mud. Duh!

While I was up there on that wet and soapy hood of the jeep, some dudes drove by and waved. So I did what every redneck girl would do. I flashed my boobs waved back!...while kneeling on the hood, of the jeep, wet with soap.

So, yeah, I slipped RIGHT OFF, landed on the driveway directly on my kneecap and then fell over into the muddy yard. "I need the hose" I yelled. The Oilybeauhunk hadn't seen a thing (whew). He had the Zanester bring me the hose.

"Mom's in the dirt, Oilybeauhunk"

"What?"

"What happened, Kaila?"

"Nothing, I just need the hose."

"Why are you in the mud? What the fuck happened to your knee?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. You slid off the damn jeep didn't you."

"?"

"Go sit down, I think you are in shock."

"OK"

Turns out, I was in shock. My knee hurt like hell, and I had to ice it down for eight hours. I limped for 4 days.

Here's a pretty lame picture from a couple days later...




Sorry I didn't get a better one, but the story should stand for itself. Do any of you have excellent injury stories? If so, you must share. I have plenty more.



.

25 things you really don't want or need to know...

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...




1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.

Random Thoughts at Work 12-3-08, or other reasons why I absolutely love my job, but hate certain people

* Why does "C" look like she's about to take flight every time she is telling a story? Those arms are flapping!

* Why does "C" constantly have to slam her hands down on the print table while she is talking and attempting to take flight?

* Perhaps slamming the table prevents the actual taking off process? Either way both are annoying as hell and I must walk away mid-sentence.

* Dear "C", if you print a document to the printer, or are making copies on said printer, and it stops mid-way, hitting the printer and swearing at it will not make it continue to print. Opening one of the drawers, however, and putting more paper in, will. Just so you know.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking (every 30 minutes). You are fucking weird. Nobody wants to talk to you. You think you are hot shit with that blue-tooth dont'cha? You talk like Mike Tyson, have you been sucking helium? Most of us in the office avoid going outside if we see you out there. Please stop checking in my window while walking in circles to see if I am watching you. When you are out there, I hide in the back.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking - bending down and picking weeds out of the cracks of the pavers does not a "landscape architect" make. Please stop telling me that is what you are. I know better.

* Dear "K" who works in the office across the courtyard. I know it was a little cold today, but it is Wednesday, the day of the week that you always wear the inappropriate white "Marilyn Monroe" dress to your office. No hard feelings, you are built like a linebacker and we always laugh at you anyway.

* Dear caller, if you call for someone and I tell you they are not in and "no, I do not have their schedule", do not ask me if I know of a better time to call because my next answer will be "never."

* Dear other caller, who has called every day for the past two months for the same person and has left a message for that person every time. Get a clue, they haven't called you back. They aren't going to. Stop calling. I stopped writing down the message 3 weeks ago.

* I have got to do something with these shoes I'm wearing because they are making my feet stink.

* Dear "M", when I tell you "so & so" is on the phone for you, do not ask me what they want. I do not know. Don't ask me why they didn't call your cell phone. I do not know, but they are on the phone right now, waiting for you to pick up. Do not give me a blank stare - either answer the damn call or I'll take a message.
mmmmmmm-kay?

* Dear UPS dude - it has been a year and a half. Please stop hitting on me now. Yes, I am still with the Oilybeauhunk. No, I don't want to "make him mad."

PS: why do UPS dudes always smell like a combination of my grandmother's attic and my mother's basement?

I'm dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

**news flash**
**According to Jenny the Bloggess, 4 kittens were strangled because I wrote this post**
one must note that The Bloggess doesn't need traffic from me because she rocks (and I don't get any traffic, but the awesomeness is relevant (crap that's 5 kittens)

The little window in our door fell out and broke last week. It was no big deal as our weather has been awesome and the screen is still in place. Not to mention we were going to get a new window this weekend.
Well the temperature is expected to fall to 39 tonight.
As I was cooking dinner, the Oilybeauhunk was doing something "crafty", and by "crafty" I mean I am using too many "quotation marks" and he is doing something "redneckish" or "white trashy" if you will.

I turn to find a cut up Coors Light box duct taped into the slot of the missing window.

"Why don't you put tin foil up in the living room windows while you're at it, hon?"

"That would be awesome because it's sparkly" he says.

My "My Name is Earl" accent kicks in:

"Fer sure 'cuz it's just tinsel dat ain't been sliced up yet."

"We can hang empty beer cans up for bells and windchimes and use beer tabs for ornaments on the tree" he says.

"Awesome, dude, how about taking bottle caps and drilling little holes for the tree lights to fit through for more sparkle?" I say.

Even more awesome -

"We could cut cans in half for votive candles - that would make for nice ambiance."

"The levels we could take this are endless!!!!!!!"

Where's the dremel? Christmas will be cheap this year - And Sparkly!

Do you like my temporary window?

Drunk Dialing - Infommercial Style

What makes a person purchase something they don't need? I understand impulse buys in a store. I understand the impulse buy when grocery shopping whilst hungry. But this? This is just absurd.



Drunk e-mailing - done it.

Drunk myspace - done it.

Drunk commenting on blogs - guilty

Drunk dialing - totally did it.



Now I can add a new one to the list. Drunk Infommercial ordering.



Shit I am lame.



In the last two weeks I have recieved the following two items, God help me if anything else shows up.....



The UPS guys, the FedEx guys, the Culligan guys and the mail people don't come to my door because they are afraid of our dogs. My neighbor across the street always gets our packages. To my dismay, she called me 10 days ago laughing.



"I've got your SHAMWOW! package."

"Jesus Christ", I say



Fucking SHAMWOW! These things are C-R-A-P. What was I thinking? Not to mention that dude on the infommercial is annoying as all hell.



Last week she calls me again - really laughing this time.



"I've got your Aqua Globes."

"Oh, shit, I'll meet you outside."



People? - fucking Aqua Globes. These things are for watering your houseplants. NEWSFLASH!!! I do not have a single houseplant. Not one. Zero. Zilch.



What in the world possessed me to order these gawdy pieces of blown glass? Oh that's right, Coors Light.



I guess I know who's getting some lame-ass Christmas Gifts this year. Sorry family & friends, but the beer made me do it.

Excellent Injury Thursday #2

We were having a lovely day on the boat (sound familiar?) We stopped at Cayo Costa and I took some awesome pictures. These being some of my favorites:




I even got some of the locals:




Hello Mr. Manatee!





Hello little Sand Pipers!

After a couple hours of relaxing on the island, we packed up and headed into the Sound to do some fishing. Before you ask, yes, duh, we were drinking. We were out on the boat. That is what you do. The Oilybeauhunk and Great White Lizard Hunter were set with their poles and fishing away. Since they were situated, I got up to get my pole. I lost my footing a little bit and fell backwards into the middle of the boat. Where-the-poles-were-standing. Here is the lovely result......




Yeah, that's got three prongs in it. Two are stuck in my arm. The Oilybeauhunk did the only thing he could think of in a drunken panicked state of mind, he grabbed the pliers, I braced myself against the steering wheel, with my beer firmly pressed to my lips, and he yanked that fucker out. Yeah, not really, because you see, at the bottom of that awesome lure are THREE.MORE.HOOKS. When he yanked, those bottom three flipped around and hooked me in the back of the arm. All three of them. Sorry, no pictures of that because that is when I finally lost it. The poor Great White Lizard Hunter was now getting scared because we weren't laughing anymore. He started to cry, so I had to compose myself and convince him that I was alright. I grabbed another beer, slammed it, held on for dear life and told the OBH to GO! During this time he got in the right frame of mind and cut the frigging hooks off first - before the yanking began.

Can you see the rust by the way? Can you say Tetanus shot? When he got the last three out, he wanted to go straight in and go to the hospital. I wasn't done fishing drinking beer, so I said hell no. We moved on to another island and did some shelling, me with my ice-filled fish stained towel tied firmly around my arm. Good Times!





UPDATE: The Oilybeauhunk just realized what I was posting and said that I should be careful because eventually I will run out of injuries to post. I just smiled at him and he gave me 'that look' and said, "Kaila, don't you even dare start doing stupid shit on purpose.!"

Overheard at work...

The superintendents are having their weekly meeting with the Director of Construction. It is 4pm in the afternoon. This is what I hear.........

"You don't understand, my cable is out."

"So, they can fix it tomorrow."

"No, there is a very important debate on tonight that I cannot miss."

"But it is on late, like 9pm."

"Well, maybe you should go to California, it will be on at 6pm there."

"You should leave now."

"Wait, maybe you should just go to Europe, it will already be over."


WTF????????? I work with these people.

I'll have a bacon/hot pepper sandwich please.

I have dealt with nothing but idiots today. Amazing Idiots. This one topped the cake....

I went to a sandwich place that rhymes with "tubday". I have to point out that I went through that automated drive-through with the too loud voice that repeats itself over and over. Here is what I ordered:

6" BLT

extra bacon

mayo

hot peppers

I drive up to the window, pay for my BLT, take my sandwich and head back to the office. I get my book, turn on the T.V. and prepare to eat my BLT. As I take the sandwich out of the bag, I realize it feels really light. It looks kinda funny too. I open the bread and what do you think I saw? Refer to my order above. In between the bread there was bacon, mayo and hot peppers. Where's the freaking L & T??? Luckily "tubday" is less than a mile from the office, so I get back in the hot car, drive back to the shop and plop that sandwich on the counter with my receipt. I say "I didn't get what I ordered." Stupid sandwich girl says, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"Yes, and I ordered a BLT."

again, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"It says '1 BLT' a BLT is bacon, lettuce & tomato, it is called a BLT because that is what is ON IT. It already implies that there is bacon, lettuce and tomato on the sandwich."

She looks at me with a blank stare - empty - STUPID - while she puts lettuce and tomato on the sandwich.

It was like a bad comedy skit

"Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I'll have a BLT."

"And what would like on your BLT, ma'am?"

"Call me crazy but I'm gonna have bacon, lettuce & tomato on that bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwich."

"Coming right up."

I mean come on!!!! Ignorance really must be bliss.