Excellent Injury Thursday #3

It's been a long time since I started this series. This particular "excellent injury" really doesn't compare to this one or this one. At least the end result picture doesn't do it justice like the previous ones.

So anyway, we had our redneck caps on and were sporting our rebel flags. (not really) We were at the mud pit gettin' our jeeps dirtay.




That is totally me. Proof? You need proof? Well here I am conducting a little business after my last run.




I wasn't conducting business at all. I was trying to locate our buddy with the rope because the Oilybeauhunk was stuck. No way I was pulling him out! He's got a jeep too, and I had already been stuck...twice.



I located the puller-outer and we continued to get dirtay.

However, when the beer was gone day was done, we headed home for the arduous task of cleaning the dirtay vehicles.

We parked in the driveway and assessed our situation.

Mud.Lots.Of.Mud.

The Oilybeauhunk did the proper thing and gathered hoses, and scrub brushes and cleaning supplies. I did what every respectable redneck wannabe does and went in the house to don my bikini top and daisy dukes. (Isn't that how you are supposed to dress to wash a car?) I thought so.

So, we are hosing, and scrubbing and washing and hosing....(not that kind of hosing - not in the driveway anyway - unless it's dark out and the neighbors are asleep - note to self, check u-tube).

I saw a clump of mud on my windshield. At the top, in the middle, I couldn't quite reach it. What does a drunk redneck girl in a bikini top and daisy dukes do in that situation?

She climbs up on the wet and soapy hood of her jeep to get said clump of mud. Duh!

While I was up there on that wet and soapy hood of the jeep, some dudes drove by and waved. So I did what every redneck girl would do. I flashed my boobs waved back!...while kneeling on the hood, of the jeep, wet with soap.

So, yeah, I slipped RIGHT OFF, landed on the driveway directly on my kneecap and then fell over into the muddy yard. "I need the hose" I yelled. The Oilybeauhunk hadn't seen a thing (whew). He had the Zanester bring me the hose.

"Mom's in the dirt, Oilybeauhunk"

"What?"

"What happened, Kaila?"

"Nothing, I just need the hose."

"Why are you in the mud? What the fuck happened to your knee?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. You slid off the damn jeep didn't you."

"?"

"Go sit down, I think you are in shock."

"OK"

Turns out, I was in shock. My knee hurt like hell, and I had to ice it down for eight hours. I limped for 4 days.

Here's a pretty lame picture from a couple days later...




Sorry I didn't get a better one, but the story should stand for itself. Do any of you have excellent injury stories? If so, you must share. I have plenty more.



.

Eff you, Stormy

Is anyone familiar with this website< Because this is how I feel about Stormy, also known as laid back dog.

This dog is FAT. She can squeeze her fat ass *out* of the "doggy door", but it looks like a sausage going through the ringer. She cannot, however, get back in. Weird, I know.

There are times though, where she is lazy, and if you are anywhere near said doggy door, she will just stand there staring at it and wagging her tail, while looking back at you with a look on her face that says "um, open this door because there is some person or dog, or squirrel, or UFO, or Jehovah Witness, or GodIDontKnow, but there is something or someone that isn't really there that I must immediately wake up from a dead sleep and squeeze through that infernal cat/dog door to go bark at."

Getting back in is a whole different story because going out, she steps down about 4 inches, therefore trying to get back in, well, umm, she gets stuck. So she resorts to sticking her head in and out of the door. Good Lord, the head poking through the magnetic little door drives me effing batty. Head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip clap, head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip click clap, head in.......... you get the point.........

I often want to poke needles into my eyes because of the torture she puts me through with the Clicking.Oh.The.Clicking.

For the record, she hardly ever (read: never) (except for the other night) goes out in the middle of the night. Recently, one night, she had to make an emergency "evacuation" in the middle of the night. I heard her squeeze her fat ass through the kitty/doggy door and then fell back into a nice comfortable slumber. Until I was awoken to the sounds of a fucking bull in a china shop. Fatass, Stormy, tried to get back in through the door herself. By ramming it over and over. It doesn't work this way people. It sounded like a plane was crash landing on our house.

*BOOM* Stormy ramming the door
*BOOM* Stormy trying to break the door off it's hinges
overandoverandover until she busts her way through.

Her shoulders don't fit coming back in... this is a neverending story.

Kill me now - or just take the dog............please?

25 things you really don't want or need to know...

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...




1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.

Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....

Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.

I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....

1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.

I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.

So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:









How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.










We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....






And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.

My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*

How were your Holidays?

Turkey Shmurkey, I don't know the rest of the story...

I don't have a creative bone in my body today. My stomach is still full and I am tired. I did find this little note that I must have written last week, it was part of a conversation that I don't remember, but I wrote this much of it down - and keep in mind - I can't make this shit up, people, this really comes out of his mouth...

"That would be awesome, you bent over with your ass in the air and me watching the weather channel."

I have no idea............


Our Turkey Day was for the most part uneventful - the same old thing, too much food, too much booze. It was wonderful to reconnect with family for the first time in many many long months - Even.Though.We.Only.Live.40.Miles.Apart.At.The.Most. I love these people, we just never get together enough. And if you are reading this Mom, we missed you.

Anywho----

This is what I am thankful for this year.
She has been sick for 6 months. We finally got her healed and gave her a very much needed bath today. She will be ready for tomorrow.

This will be us tomorrow........don't be hatin'




That picture was taken by a helicopter before she got sick. The only difference tomorrow is that the Great White Lizard Hunter will be with us.

Say Hello to the Captain!




Hopefully there will be plenty of this:




And I will try not to let this happen again...........





See ya! Haters.

Excellent Injury Thursday #2

We were having a lovely day on the boat (sound familiar?) We stopped at Cayo Costa and I took some awesome pictures. These being some of my favorites:




I even got some of the locals:




Hello Mr. Manatee!





Hello little Sand Pipers!

After a couple hours of relaxing on the island, we packed up and headed into the Sound to do some fishing. Before you ask, yes, duh, we were drinking. We were out on the boat. That is what you do. The Oilybeauhunk and Great White Lizard Hunter were set with their poles and fishing away. Since they were situated, I got up to get my pole. I lost my footing a little bit and fell backwards into the middle of the boat. Where-the-poles-were-standing. Here is the lovely result......




Yeah, that's got three prongs in it. Two are stuck in my arm. The Oilybeauhunk did the only thing he could think of in a drunken panicked state of mind, he grabbed the pliers, I braced myself against the steering wheel, with my beer firmly pressed to my lips, and he yanked that fucker out. Yeah, not really, because you see, at the bottom of that awesome lure are THREE.MORE.HOOKS. When he yanked, those bottom three flipped around and hooked me in the back of the arm. All three of them. Sorry, no pictures of that because that is when I finally lost it. The poor Great White Lizard Hunter was now getting scared because we weren't laughing anymore. He started to cry, so I had to compose myself and convince him that I was alright. I grabbed another beer, slammed it, held on for dear life and told the OBH to GO! During this time he got in the right frame of mind and cut the frigging hooks off first - before the yanking began.

Can you see the rust by the way? Can you say Tetanus shot? When he got the last three out, he wanted to go straight in and go to the hospital. I wasn't done fishing drinking beer, so I said hell no. We moved on to another island and did some shelling, me with my ice-filled fish stained towel tied firmly around my arm. Good Times!





UPDATE: The Oilybeauhunk just realized what I was posting and said that I should be careful because eventually I will run out of injuries to post. I just smiled at him and he gave me 'that look' and said, "Kaila, don't you even dare start doing stupid shit on purpose.!"

All new Excellent Injury Thursday!

I mentioned in one of my first posts about how awesomely I injure myself. Let me present to you exhibit "A" with a little back story of course.

It was always so sad to see the lesbian dogs' faces when we were getting the boat ready to take out. We never took them with us because......well.......they are unstable.

One weekend we decided to give it a shot. The girls jumped in the jeep with such enthusiasm it was heart warming.

When we got to the dock and launched the boat, the girls jumped right on from the dock. Maybe this was going to be a good thing!

Yeah, right. As soon as the boat started moving down the inlet, Skittish dog started to freak the fuck out. Before we knew it, she jumped over the side and disappeared.

Oilybeauhunk swung the boat around and tried to grab her. She went toward the seawall and disappeared again underneath a 40 foot boat that was docked there. She popped up again on the other side by the seawall that was covered in razor sharp oysters. One of the guys that worked at the marina saw the commotion and came and tried to help. As he was trying to grab her from the seawall OBH yelled at me to jump in after her. Now mind you, I can swim well enough to keep my head above water, but I am in no way a swimmer. When I got to Skittish dog, who kept disappearing under the water, she came at me and pushed me under. Not once, but twice. Now we were both in peril. What a mess. Finally she swam back toward our boat and OBH reached out with one arm and scooped her up. I was helped onto the docked boat by the marina guy.

Even though we were only 20 yards away from the launch ramp, I was ready to call it a day. OBH was having none of it. While all of this had been happening, the other dog, we'll call her Laid Back dog, was getting her sea legs, and digging walking around the deck of the boat, oblivious to the chaos around her.

We headed out toward the coastal islands, and spent a nice afternoon. Skittish dog finally relaxed enough so that it didn't look like her eyes were popping out of her head, but she never once stood up or left the bottom of the boat. Laid Back dog, however, was having a blast. We stopped near one of the beaches, threw anchor and jumped in. Laid Back dog, jumped right in after us and swam around with us. It was pretty cool. We'd put her back on the boat and she would run and jump off again and again. While she was having all this fun, Skittish dog sulked.

We decided to cut their first boating day a little short, and headed back to the marina. When we got there, the dogs were eyeing land like a sailor who has been at sea for a hundred days. We neared the dock and I stepped off the bow onto the dock. Sort of..................

I kinda missed. That picture is from three days later. I couldn't walk for two days. The bruising got much much worse after that. I had managed to separate the fatty tissue that resides between your skin and muscle, and push it up further on my thigh. "Kind of like a cheese grater" is how the orthopedic surgeon explained it. The point of impact, the yellowish area in the pic, is now a big indent and my skin rests directly on my muscle. It is still, two and a half years later, very sensitive.

There you have it, my first example of awesome injuries. There will be more. I am really good at it. Mind you, alcohol is pretty much always involved.