Showing posts with label um what?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label um what?. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mystery solved! It's EYEBALLS!!!!!

So some of you might remember this post which may or may not have been too much information, but people this is some funny shit.

The Zanester was getting out of the shower the other night, and out of nowhere offered up some very important information.

"Do you know why it takes me so long to poop sometimes?"

"No, honey, I don't"

"They Bodder me."

"What bodders you honey?"

"Eyeballs"

he points to the floor where this sits

cottonelle Pictures, Images and Photos

(sidebar - there is no cute little fluffy puppy in our bathroom)

"No problem, honey" I said, and threw the toilet paper under the sink.

"Now you should be fine."

"Nope." and he points to the area between the toilet and the sink cabinet....



(Eyeballs, people, eyeballs)

So I throw that under the sink as well.

"Well that should be it, right?"

"Nope." (and he points to the sink)

toothbrush Pictures, Images and Photos

Yeah, that's right, he has a Spongebob Toothbrush....with eyeballs.

So we turn that around, and move the damn Dr. Seuss toothpaste to the side as well...because, well eyeballs

dr seuss Pictures, Images and Photos

The pooping process has been much faster since then. Weird right? I know. But the EYEBALLS!!!! They BODDER him!!!

Did any of you feel like you were being watched when you were seven years old? Is this normal?


.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Meandering Monday

To the other Mommy readers - Do you ever have one of those days, moments, hours, whatever, where your kid drives you absolutely b*o*n*k*e*r*s? I know the answer is yes, I just want to share my most recent one.

We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast. A once a in blue moon event. From the backseat there is a little voice.

"Mom? Why do love bugs stick their butts together?"

"And Mom? When do the love bugs show up?"

"And Mom? Can beetles poop?"

"And Mom? My friend says beetles eat their own poop."

"Mom? When do caterpillars come out?"

"I like caterpillars."

"And Mom?" Why do snails pee?"

"Mom? What is that yellow thingy?"

I kid you not people, all of these questions in a period of 10 minutes. CRAZY 7 year old boy minds.....

*************************************************************************************

At IHOP, a family was seated in the booth behind us. I overheard part of their order, and it went a little something like this:

man - "I'll have the (insert whatever omelet comes with salsa inside and on top) but I don't want any tomatoes."

waitress - "So, no salsa then?"

man - "No, I want the salsa, just no tomatoes."

me (and most likely the waitress) - "?"

Whatever peeps - Happy Monday!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

25 things you really don't want or need to know...

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...




1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The "egg in my tummy" turns 7 today and he isn't any bigger

"Am I bigger?"

This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.

"Am I bigger, Mom?"

"Get up and let's see."

He stands up and looks at me.

"I'm bigger right?"

"Not really, honey."

"But I'm seven, right?"

"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."

"Then why I'm not bigger?"

***********************************************

That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.

"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"

"Sure, honey, sort of."

"But how did I get to be a baby?"

uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?

"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"

"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."

"Like scrambled eggs?"

"Yup"

We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink

Thursday, December 18, 2008

He knows Victoria's Secret

While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.

"I can't hear you honey, say it again."

"What garble garble garble garble."

"Sweetie, speak up."

a breathless whisper....

"What channel is that on?"

"Channel 6, honey."

With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.

"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."

He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.

At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,

"Mom, OBH, is this real?"

"Yes, it's real."

The OBH says to him,

"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"

*blushing* "Yes"

"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"

*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What is wrong with these pictures?

First:



Answer: Hershey is not making the ducks leave, thereby letting them shit their nasty slime all over my yard.


Second:



Answer: It is 80 degrees outside and we are hanging Christmas lights.


Third:



Answer: What is my son doing on the roof with a broom?

Fourth:



This is what happens when 6 year old boys help you decorate your gingerbread house.




Batman, The Incredible Hulk, dinosaurs, army men, spiders & bugs, drunk clowns.....





What do you people think??????? Any observations? Any comments?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Of hairy boogers and good books

So I am reading this book called "The Gone-Away World" by Nick Harkaway. It is pretty cool, but a difficult read. This sentence stumped me:

"Mr. Clisp, the gambler, teaches us not only mathematics but also materialistic ethics, setting logic puzzles on the board which appear to be value-neutral but which, when resolved, condemn the vituperative harridan in ringing tones."

I read it out loud to the Oilybeauhunk.

OBH - "I know what it means, but I'm not going to tell you."

Me - "Oh really?"

OBH - "Duh, vituperative means nose picking."

Me - "OK?"

OBH - "And harridan is hairy boogers - so duh (sticking finger in nose) vituperative - (flicking finger out) harridan. Picking hairy boogers."

Me - shrugs shoulders and walks away.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Drunk Dialing - Infommercial Style

What makes a person purchase something they don't need? I understand impulse buys in a store. I understand the impulse buy when grocery shopping whilst hungry. But this? This is just absurd.



Drunk e-mailing - done it.

Drunk myspace - done it.

Drunk commenting on blogs - guilty

Drunk dialing - totally did it.



Now I can add a new one to the list. Drunk Infommercial ordering.



Shit I am lame.



In the last two weeks I have recieved the following two items, God help me if anything else shows up.....



The UPS guys, the FedEx guys, the Culligan guys and the mail people don't come to my door because they are afraid of our dogs. My neighbor across the street always gets our packages. To my dismay, she called me 10 days ago laughing.



"I've got your SHAMWOW! package."

"Jesus Christ", I say



Fucking SHAMWOW! These things are C-R-A-P. What was I thinking? Not to mention that dude on the infommercial is annoying as all hell.



Last week she calls me again - really laughing this time.



"I've got your Aqua Globes."

"Oh, shit, I'll meet you outside."



People? - fucking Aqua Globes. These things are for watering your houseplants. NEWSFLASH!!! I do not have a single houseplant. Not one. Zero. Zilch.



What in the world possessed me to order these gawdy pieces of blown glass? Oh that's right, Coors Light.



I guess I know who's getting some lame-ass Christmas Gifts this year. Sorry family & friends, but the beer made me do it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I choked on my burp.

The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:

"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."

Oh.My.God.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Overheard at work...

The superintendents are having their weekly meeting with the Director of Construction. It is 4pm in the afternoon. This is what I hear.........

"You don't understand, my cable is out."

"So, they can fix it tomorrow."

"No, there is a very important debate on tonight that I cannot miss."

"But it is on late, like 9pm."

"Well, maybe you should go to California, it will be on at 6pm there."

"You should leave now."

"Wait, maybe you should just go to Europe, it will already be over."


WTF????????? I work with these people.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It was only a sticker

Several years ago I had a bumper sticker on my little Toyota Tercel (hated that car). It was just a simple black background with white letters.


It got me into a little bit of trouble.


I was constantly harassed by cars full of pubescent boys and grown men alike.


I was hollered at by other drivers.


Often they laughed.


Once, while parked in a parking lot next to a nude beach on a private, and very snooty island, someone even left a note on my windshield.


Another time, I was pulled over by the police. They.called.for.backup. What could I have possibly done wrong, I wondered?


After going through the whole license and registration BS and scaring the living shit out of me - they all snickered. I had been pulled over so they could see who had the balls to sport said bumper sticker.


What did the bumper sticker say?

Support Cannibalism


Eat Me


I sold that little car years ago, and sadly was unable to find another bumper sticker like that one. I do however sport a very nice black & white "support ribbon" on my Jeep Wrangler.


It says:


Support Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll


A girls' gotta grow up a little some time, huh?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This conversation is going in the right direction, No?

Typical afternoon conversation between myself and couple female co-workers. See if you can follow along.

* It started with J talking about her husband's inability to wear pants.

* Which segued into a discussion about whether or not we, as woman, see our significant others differently while suffering from PMS.

* Which segued into a discussion about anger...

* then angry sex...

* then drunk sex...

* then whiskey dick...

* to anal...

* and finally giardia.

The best part was when TP (of the male persuasion) waked in right in time for the segue from drunk sex to whiskey dick. He quickly settled in for the rest of the conversation - but said nothing.

Ask me about our conversations about threesomes. That show Swingtown has our heads spinning!

Friday, September 19, 2008

I'll have a bacon/hot pepper sandwich please.

I have dealt with nothing but idiots today. Amazing Idiots. This one topped the cake....

I went to a sandwich place that rhymes with "tubday". I have to point out that I went through that automated drive-through with the too loud voice that repeats itself over and over. Here is what I ordered:


6" BLT

extra bacon

mayo

hot peppers



I drive up to the window, pay for my BLT, take my sandwich and head back to the office. I get my book, turn on the T.V. and prepare to eat my BLT. As I take the sandwich out of the bag, I realize it feels really light. It looks kinda funny too. I open the bread and what do you think I saw? Refer to my order above. In between the bread there was bacon, mayo and hot peppers. Where's the freaking L & T??? Luckily "tubday" is less than a mile from the office, so I get back in the hot car, drive back to the shop and plop that sandwich on the counter with my receipt. I say "I didn't get what I ordered." Stupid sandwich girl says, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"Yes, and I ordered a BLT."

again, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"It says '1 BLT' a BLT is bacon, lettuce & tomato, it is called a BLT because that is what is ON IT. It already implies that there is bacon, lettuce and tomato on the sandwich."

She looks at me with a blank stare - empty - STUPID - while she puts lettuce and tomato on the sandwich.

It was like a bad comedy skit

"Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I'll have a BLT."

"And what would like on your BLT, ma'am?"

"Call me crazy but I'm gonna have bacon, lettuce & tomato on that bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwich."

"Coming right up."


I mean come on!!!! Ignorance really must be bliss.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mmmmmm Brownies





So I pick GWLH up from school last Friday. He has a brownie, given to him by one of the teachers. He shares it with me and we marvel at the goodness that is "the brownie".



"I want to make brownies, Mom, I loooove brownies!"


"Well, I just happen to know how to make them, we will do it this weekend."


We sure had fun making them together. Waiting the 45 minute cook time was almost unbearable.





When they were done, I gave him his piece of ooey goodness.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the room.... with the brownie.


"I don't like brownies, Mom."



Alrighty then.