Eff you, Stormy

Is anyone familiar with this website< Because this is how I feel about Stormy, also known as laid back dog.

This dog is FAT. She can squeeze her fat ass *out* of the "doggy door", but it looks like a sausage going through the ringer. She cannot, however, get back in. Weird, I know.

There are times though, where she is lazy, and if you are anywhere near said doggy door, she will just stand there staring at it and wagging her tail, while looking back at you with a look on her face that says "um, open this door because there is some person or dog, or squirrel, or UFO, or Jehovah Witness, or GodIDontKnow, but there is something or someone that isn't really there that I must immediately wake up from a dead sleep and squeeze through that infernal cat/dog door to go bark at."

Getting back in is a whole different story because going out, she steps down about 4 inches, therefore trying to get back in, well, umm, she gets stuck. So she resorts to sticking her head in and out of the door. Good Lord, the head poking through the magnetic little door drives me effing batty. Head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip clap, head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip click clap, head in.......... you get the point.........

I often want to poke needles into my eyes because of the torture she puts me through with the Clicking.Oh.The.Clicking.

For the record, she hardly ever (read: never) (except for the other night) goes out in the middle of the night. Recently, one night, she had to make an emergency "evacuation" in the middle of the night. I heard her squeeze her fat ass through the kitty/doggy door and then fell back into a nice comfortable slumber. Until I was awoken to the sounds of a fucking bull in a china shop. Fatass, Stormy, tried to get back in through the door herself. By ramming it over and over. It doesn't work this way people. It sounded like a plane was crash landing on our house.

*BOOM* Stormy ramming the door
*BOOM* Stormy trying to break the door off it's hinges
overandoverandover until she busts her way through.

Her shoulders don't fit coming back in... this is a neverending story.

Kill me now - or just take the dog............please?

Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....

Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.

I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....

1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.

I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.

So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:









How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.










We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....






And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.

My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*

How were your Holidays?

All new Excellent Injury Thursday!

I mentioned in one of my first posts about how awesomely I injure myself. Let me present to you exhibit "A" with a little back story of course.

It was always so sad to see the lesbian dogs' faces when we were getting the boat ready to take out. We never took them with us because......well.......they are unstable.

One weekend we decided to give it a shot. The girls jumped in the jeep with such enthusiasm it was heart warming.

When we got to the dock and launched the boat, the girls jumped right on from the dock. Maybe this was going to be a good thing!

Yeah, right. As soon as the boat started moving down the inlet, Skittish dog started to freak the fuck out. Before we knew it, she jumped over the side and disappeared.

Oilybeauhunk swung the boat around and tried to grab her. She went toward the seawall and disappeared again underneath a 40 foot boat that was docked there. She popped up again on the other side by the seawall that was covered in razor sharp oysters. One of the guys that worked at the marina saw the commotion and came and tried to help. As he was trying to grab her from the seawall OBH yelled at me to jump in after her. Now mind you, I can swim well enough to keep my head above water, but I am in no way a swimmer. When I got to Skittish dog, who kept disappearing under the water, she came at me and pushed me under. Not once, but twice. Now we were both in peril. What a mess. Finally she swam back toward our boat and OBH reached out with one arm and scooped her up. I was helped onto the docked boat by the marina guy.

Even though we were only 20 yards away from the launch ramp, I was ready to call it a day. OBH was having none of it. While all of this had been happening, the other dog, we'll call her Laid Back dog, was getting her sea legs, and digging walking around the deck of the boat, oblivious to the chaos around her.

We headed out toward the coastal islands, and spent a nice afternoon. Skittish dog finally relaxed enough so that it didn't look like her eyes were popping out of her head, but she never once stood up or left the bottom of the boat. Laid Back dog, however, was having a blast. We stopped near one of the beaches, threw anchor and jumped in. Laid Back dog, jumped right in after us and swam around with us. It was pretty cool. We'd put her back on the boat and she would run and jump off again and again. While she was having all this fun, Skittish dog sulked.

We decided to cut their first boating day a little short, and headed back to the marina. When we got there, the dogs were eyeing land like a sailor who has been at sea for a hundred days. We neared the dock and I stepped off the bow onto the dock. Sort of..................

I kinda missed. That picture is from three days later. I couldn't walk for two days. The bruising got much much worse after that. I had managed to separate the fatty tissue that resides between your skin and muscle, and push it up further on my thigh. "Kind of like a cheese grater" is how the orthopedic surgeon explained it. The point of impact, the yellowish area in the pic, is now a big indent and my skin rests directly on my muscle. It is still, two and a half years later, very sensitive.

There you have it, my first example of awesome injuries. There will be more. I am really good at it. Mind you, alcohol is pretty much always involved.

Introducing the lesbian dogs

Misty Blue & Stormy Heather - they are sooo gay.

That was the pre-makeout session.

Then they totally use tongue.