It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:
1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.
2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.
3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."
4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".
(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")
5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.
6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....
Where did I go wrong?
.
Showing posts with label I'm a bad mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm a bad mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....
Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.
I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....
1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.
I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.
So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:
How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.
We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....
And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.
My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*
How were your Holidays?
I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....
1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.
I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.
So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:
How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.
We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....
And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.
My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*
How were your Holidays?
Monday, December 22, 2008
He's a slow pooper.......
The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.
He doesn't like to actually go poop.
This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.
The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.
"He's pooping" I say.
"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"
Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.
Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.
We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"
I almost dropped the phone from laughter -
"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"
"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."
He doesn't like to actually go poop.
This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.
The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.
"He's pooping" I say.
"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"
Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.
Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.
We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"
I almost dropped the phone from laughter -
"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"
"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."
Thursday, December 18, 2008
He knows Victoria's Secret
While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.
"I can't hear you honey, say it again."
"What garble garble garble garble."
"Sweetie, speak up."
a breathless whisper....
"What channel is that on?"
"Channel 6, honey."
With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.
"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."
He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.
At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,
"Mom, OBH, is this real?"
"Yes, it's real."
The OBH says to him,
"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"
*blushing* "Yes"
"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"
*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."
"I can't hear you honey, say it again."
"What garble garble garble garble."
"Sweetie, speak up."
a breathless whisper....
"What channel is that on?"
"Channel 6, honey."
With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.
"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."
He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.
At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,
"Mom, OBH, is this real?"
"Yes, it's real."
The OBH says to him,
"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"
*blushing* "Yes"
"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"
*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out
I LOVE music.
LIVE
LOUD
IN MY FACE
I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.
The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)
I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.
I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.
I am a TOOL fanatic.
Maynard James Keenan isGod a genius.
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.
I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.
When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.
That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.
He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".
He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."
Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).
I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.
Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.
Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of thelosers 20 yr olds, we showed up just in time for the two headliners - Shinedown & Avenged Sevenfold.
The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.
I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.
I have created a monster.
And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.
LIVE
LOUD
IN MY FACE
I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.
The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)
I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.
I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.
I am a TOOL fanatic.
Maynard James Keenan is
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.
I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.
When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.
That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.
He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".
He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."
Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).
I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.
Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.
Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of the
The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.
I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.
I have created a monster.
And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.
Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party atthe gates of hell Chuck-E-Cheese.
So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?
Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?
What am I missing here?
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.
Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at
So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?
Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?
What am I missing here?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I choked on my burp.
The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:
"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."
Oh.My.God.
"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."
Oh.My.God.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Egg Timer
Lately, the Great White Lizard Hunter's life is measured only in minutes.
If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"
If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"
If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"
If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."
This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!
How many more minutes 'til Friday?
How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?
How many minutes is 120 minutes?
Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.
It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.
The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."
If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"
If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"
If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"
If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."
This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!
How many more minutes 'til Friday?
How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?
How many minutes is 120 minutes?
Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.
It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.
The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
It was only a sticker
Several years ago I had a bumper sticker on my little Toyota Tercel (hated that car). It was just a simple black background with white letters.
It got me into a little bit of trouble.
I was constantly harassed by cars full of pubescent boys and grown men alike.
I was hollered at by other drivers.
Often they laughed.
Once, while parked in a parking lot next to a nude beach on a private, and very snooty island, someone even left a note on my windshield.
Another time, I was pulled over by the police. They.called.for.backup. What could I have possibly done wrong, I wondered?
After going through the whole license and registration BS and scaring the living shit out of me - they all snickered. I had been pulled over so they could see who had the balls to sport said bumper sticker.
What did the bumper sticker say?
It got me into a little bit of trouble.
I was constantly harassed by cars full of pubescent boys and grown men alike.
I was hollered at by other drivers.
Often they laughed.
Once, while parked in a parking lot next to a nude beach on a private, and very snooty island, someone even left a note on my windshield.
Another time, I was pulled over by the police. They.called.for.backup. What could I have possibly done wrong, I wondered?
After going through the whole license and registration BS and scaring the living shit out of me - they all snickered. I had been pulled over so they could see who had the balls to sport said bumper sticker.
What did the bumper sticker say?
Support Cannibalism
Eat Me
I sold that little car years ago, and sadly was unable to find another bumper sticker like that one. I do however sport a very nice black & white "support ribbon" on my Jeep Wrangler.
It says:
Support Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll
A girls' gotta grow up a little some time, huh?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mutherfucker
Once upon a time I had satellite radio in my jeep.
I was addicted to the comedy station.
GWLH was 4 yrs old.
I picked him up from daycare.
I forgot to change the station.
I wasn't really paying attention.
He was babbling about his "busy" 4 year old day.
Did I mention I wasn't really paying attention?
Then I heard his sweet little voice say this:
"Motherfucker, that's a bad word."
I never forgot to change the station again.
I was addicted to the comedy station.
GWLH was 4 yrs old.
I picked him up from daycare.
I forgot to change the station.
I wasn't really paying attention.
He was babbling about his "busy" 4 year old day.
Did I mention I wasn't really paying attention?
Then I heard his sweet little voice say this:
"Motherfucker, that's a bad word."
I never forgot to change the station again.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Why Shooting a bird?
Welcome to my little world. "Shooting a bird" does not in any way reference actually shooting a bird. Let me explain where this comes from. My son, the cartoon freak, started kindergarten last fall. We live less than a mile away from the school, so our conversations on the ride home are usually short. I picked him up one day and casually asked him how his day was. He looked at me and gave me the finger with a big old smile on his face.
"This is bad, right?"
"Umm yeah, honey" (chuckle chuckle snort snort) "That is bad."
"I know", he said, "It's called shooting a bird."
And there you have it. I have never forgotten that day, and probably never will. He and the oilybeauhunk and our insane animals give me much comic fodder for my life. There will be many posts about my son, but this is in no way a mommy blog, as I tend to swear alot and my brain does not possess that filter thing that prevents stuff from coming out of my mouth before I evaluate what I am about to say. Also, there is an awful lot of farting and burping around here, not to mention I tend to be pretty accident prone - with excellent results. Hopefully it will make for some good reading! I don't mind sharing if you don't mind the insanity and vulgar language.
Kaila
"Umm yeah, honey" (chuckle chuckle snort snort) "That is bad."
"I know", he said, "It's called shooting a bird."
And there you have it. I have never forgotten that day, and probably never will. He and the oilybeauhunk and our insane animals give me much comic fodder for my life. There will be many posts about my son, but this is in no way a mommy blog, as I tend to swear alot and my brain does not possess that filter thing that prevents stuff from coming out of my mouth before I evaluate what I am about to say. Also, there is an awful lot of farting and burping around here, not to mention I tend to be pretty accident prone - with excellent results. Hopefully it will make for some good reading! I don't mind sharing if you don't mind the insanity and vulgar language.
Kaila
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