Mystery solved! It's EYEBALLS!!!!!

So some of you might remember this post which may or may not have been too much information, but people this is some funny shit.

The Zanester was getting out of the shower the other night, and out of nowhere offered up some very important information.

"Do you know why it takes me so long to poop sometimes?"

"No, honey, I don't"

"They Bodder me."

"What bodders you honey?"

"Eyeballs"

he points to the floor where this sits



(sidebar - there is no cute little fluffy puppy in our bathroom)

"No problem, honey" I said, and threw the toilet paper under the sink.

"Now you should be fine."

"Nope." and he points to the area between the toilet and the sink cabinet....



(Eyeballs, people, eyeballs)

So I throw that under the sink as well.

"Well that should be it, right?"

"Nope." (and he points to the sink)



Yeah, that's right, he has a Spongebob Toothbrush....with eyeballs.

So we turn that around, and move the damn Dr. Seuss toothpaste to the side as well...because, well eyeballs



The pooping process has been much faster since then. Weird right? I know. But the EYEBALLS!!!! They BODDER him!!!

Did any of you feel like you were being watched when you were seven years old? Is this normal?


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Meandering Monday

To the other Mommy readers - Do you ever have one of those days, moments, hours, whatever, where your kid drives you absolutely b*o*n*k*e*r*s? I know the answer is yes, I just want to share my most recent one.

We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast. A once a in blue moon event. From the backseat there is a little voice.

"Mom? Why do love bugs stick their butts together?"

"And Mom? When do the love bugs show up?"

"And Mom? Can beetles poop?"

"And Mom? My friend says beetles eat their own poop."

"Mom? When do caterpillars come out?"

"I like caterpillars."

"And Mom?" Why do snails pee?"

"Mom? What is that yellow thingy?"

I kid you not people, all of these questions in a period of 10 minutes. CRAZY 7 year old boy minds.....

*************************************************************************************

At IHOP, a family was seated in the booth behind us. I overheard part of their order, and it went a little something like this:

man - "I'll have the (insert whatever omelet comes with salsa inside and on top) but I don't want any tomatoes."

waitress - "So, no salsa then?"

man - "No, I want the salsa, just no tomatoes."

me (and most likely the waitress) - "?"

Whatever peeps - Happy Monday!

Beetlejuice in my pocket....

I know it has been awhile, and I know it has only been about the Zanester lately, but this cannot go unpublished.

I picked him up from school today. We had the usual conversation about how his day was, and did he have any homework, yada yada yada.

All of a sudden....

"Ooooh, Mom!"

"Yes?"

"I have something for you in my pocket..."

Now I ask you my dear few readers, what do you think it was?

Was it a love note?

Was it a pretty drawing?

Was it a kiss or a hug?

NO.

This boy, this little love of mine had a pocket full of goodness.

A pocket full of joy.

A pocket full what every mom wants her beloved son to bring home to her....





That's right, beetles - seven of them to be exact.

What has your little sunshine brought home for you?


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His first attempt at a lie....sort of

It's been cold here lately. I sent Zane to school with a sweatshirt. When we got home last night, he went straight to his PSP and I went straight to his back pack to check homework, etc.

me - "Zane, where is the sweatshirt you wore to school?"

Zane from the other room... "You can see it on the 'puter."

me - "What?"

Zane - "On the 'puter, at school, you can see pictures."

me - "What are you talking about? Where is your sweatshirt?"

Zane - "Problee on the 'puter, they have cameras at school and you can see pictures of stuff."

me - "So, you lost your sweatshirt?

Zane - "Yeah"

me - "Short answers work best, honey."

Zane - "Huh?"

me - "Never mind."



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Six signs I am failing as a mother...

It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:


1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.

2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.

3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."

4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".

(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")

5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.

6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....

Where did I go wrong?


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A Sweet Little Interlude....

**NOTE: For the sake of this post, the Great White Lizard Hunter will be referred to by his real name, simply because it just makes sense.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.


"Hello Mama"

"Hello Zane"

"Hello Mom Mom"

"Hello Zane Zane"

"Hello sweet Mama"

"Hello sweet Zane"

"Hello pretty Mama"

"Hello cute Zane"

"Hello beautiful Mama"

"Hello handsome Zane"

"I love you Mama"

"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"


These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.




Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.

The "egg in my tummy" turns 7 today and he isn't any bigger

"Am I bigger?"

This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.

"Am I bigger, Mom?"

"Get up and let's see."

He stands up and looks at me.

"I'm bigger right?"

"Not really, honey."

"But I'm seven, right?"

"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."

"Then why I'm not bigger?"

***********************************************

That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.

"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"

"Sure, honey, sort of."

"But how did I get to be a baby?"

uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?

"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"

"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."

"Like scrambled eggs?"

"Yup"

We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink

what a boy eats

update - I cannot figure out why this post is spaced out so weird - sorry in advance - it is annoying the hell out of me....

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a very strange appetite. I am sure it is entirely my fault. While pregnant with him, I craved hot peanuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & V8. Sometimes I would even have pumpkin pie & mashed potatoes on the same plate - for breakfast.

Anyweirdo - the little guy has some strange tastes as well.

Peanuts? Yes

Reeses Peanut Butter cups? You bet!

Peanut butter? Hell no

fritos? hell no

cheetos? no way

doritos? oh yes

doritos with tobasco? even better

butterscotch candy? oh yes

butterscotch pudding? no way

chicken in any form? of course

steak? nope

pork, if you cut it and tell him it's chicken? absolutely

shrimp? you bet

crab legs? begs for it = he can eat a pound of it

salmon? no

broccoli? YES! (he calls them trees)

carrots? YES!

corn? no way

corn on the cob? not anymore

corn bread muffin? absolutely

Ready for a shocker? The child, the 6 year old child, does.not.like.chocolate. He will eat m&m's and that is it - and only the mini ones at that!

This mutant son of mine also likes raw veggies; green peppers, red peppers, cucumber, raw onion, mushrooms, olives & even jalapenos!

Will he eat a salad? NO!!

Recently, I let him make his own dinner. I have a picture, but can't bring myself to post it. He ate popcorn, cheese, black olives & wheat thins. yummy!!! *eye roll*

Do you know how hard it is to feed this kid?

Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....

Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.

I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....

1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.

I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.

So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:









How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.










We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....






And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.

My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*

How were your Holidays?

He's a slow pooper.......

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.

He doesn't like to actually go poop.

This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.

The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.

"He's pooping" I say.

"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"

Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.

Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.

We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"

I almost dropped the phone from laughter -

"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"

"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."

He knows Victoria's Secret

While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.

"I can't hear you honey, say it again."

"What garble garble garble garble."

"Sweetie, speak up."

a breathless whisper....

"What channel is that on?"

"Channel 6, honey."

With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.

"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."

He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.

At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,

"Mom, OBH, is this real?"

"Yes, it's real."

The OBH says to him,

"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"

*blushing* "Yes"

"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"

*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."

I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out

I LOVE music.

LIVE
LOUD
IN MY FACE

I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.

The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)

I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.

I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.

I am a TOOL fanatic.

Maynard James Keenan is God a genius.
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.

I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.

When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.

That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.

He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".

He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."

Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).

I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.

Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.

Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of the losers 20 yr olds, we showed up just in time for the two headliners - Shinedown & Avenged Sevenfold.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.

I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.

I have created a monster.

And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.

Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux

The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.

Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at the gates of hell Chuck-E-Cheese.

So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?

Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?

What am I missing here?

Turkey Shmurkey, I don't know the rest of the story...

I don't have a creative bone in my body today. My stomach is still full and I am tired. I did find this little note that I must have written last week, it was part of a conversation that I don't remember, but I wrote this much of it down - and keep in mind - I can't make this shit up, people, this really comes out of his mouth...

"That would be awesome, you bent over with your ass in the air and me watching the weather channel."

I have no idea............


Our Turkey Day was for the most part uneventful - the same old thing, too much food, too much booze. It was wonderful to reconnect with family for the first time in many many long months - Even.Though.We.Only.Live.40.Miles.Apart.At.The.Most. I love these people, we just never get together enough. And if you are reading this Mom, we missed you.

Anywho----

This is what I am thankful for this year.
She has been sick for 6 months. We finally got her healed and gave her a very much needed bath today. She will be ready for tomorrow.

This will be us tomorrow........don't be hatin'




That picture was taken by a helicopter before she got sick. The only difference tomorrow is that the Great White Lizard Hunter will be with us.

Say Hello to the Captain!




Hopefully there will be plenty of this:




And I will try not to let this happen again...........





See ya! Haters.

Apparently I am going to use the word Apparently a lot in this post.

So, apparently there is some cartoon called Bakugon.
Apparently it is all the rage with young boys/kids.
Apparently my son is a huge fan.
Apparently I am not as good a mother as I thought, because I.had.no.idea.

At the bowling alley Saturday, the Great White Lizard Hunter finds what looks to me like a little black ball. He starts going ape shit yelling Bakugon! Bakugon!

I'm looking at him like he has three heads trying to figure out what he is saying. I ask the Oilybeauhunk if he has a clue. He just shrugs and shakes his head.

You would think the kid found the last golden ticket.

For the rest of the day it was Bakugon Stand! Bakugon Rumble! Bakugon! Bakugon!

Flash forward to Sunday morning. While reading the paper I see an ad for a Bakugon Rumble Arena or something to that effect. Well now my interest is picqued. The Oilybeauhunk and I decide, we are going to go out and get that kid some Bakugon shit toys.

Yeah. Apparently Bakugon is a *HOT* item this year.

Toys-r-us? Sold Out
Wal-Mart? Sold Out
K-Mart? Sold Out
Target? Sold Out
KB Toys? Sold Out

Holy hell.

When we got home from our failed mission I got online.
Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be receiving the $150 Mack Daddy Deluxe Bakugon Starter Pack in the mail within 5-12 days.

Apparently, I am insane.

208 year old Farted Boogers - 6 year old style

We had dinner at Outback recently. (One of our usual places.) The kids menu/coloring book had finally changed. It had one of those stories where you fill in the blanks with verbs, adverbs, exclamations etc. I totally had to keep this one to share, 'cuz damn. The Great White Lizard Hunter is a true American 6 year old. I will type the "story" as is, with his words in color. Enjoy.





It was a snowy day when Scrumper decided to look for games in the Outback. She ran over to her friends's house and on the way stepped in gum, which made her smell like dog poop. Scrumper got to Haiden's house and when the door opened, her friend yelled crap! "Let's go to the Great Barrier Reef," said Scrumper, "so I can wash off my brain." When they arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, they found two shoes that had washed up on shore. This find looked to be 208 years old! After looking at it further, they came to realize that what they found was in fact boogers left over from someone farting!




I had no idea that you could fart boogers!
All hail the 6 year old brain!

I choked on my burp.

The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:

"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."

Oh.My.God.

The Egg Timer

Lately, the Great White Lizard Hunter's life is measured only in minutes.

If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"

If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."


This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!


How many more minutes 'til Friday?

How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?

How many minutes is 120 minutes?


Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.


It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.


The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."

Smart Boy

The GWLH saw that Dunkin Donuts commercial on TV this morning where the woman walks out of her house and grabs a few bills off of the "money tree" in her front yard.





He turned and looked at me and said "don't you wish you had a money tree, Mom?"





"You bet." I answered.





Then the smartest boy on earth said, "Yeah, then we could take the boat out fishing every day."

Mmmmmm Brownies

So I pick GWLH up from school last Friday. He has a brownie, given to him by one of the teachers. He shares it with me and we marvel at the goodness that is "the brownie".

"I want to make brownies, Mom, I loooove brownies!"

"Well, I just happen to know how to make them, we will do it this weekend."

We sure had fun making them together. Waiting the 45 minute cook time was almost unbearable.

When they were done, I gave him his piece of ooey goodness.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the room.... with the brownie.


"I don't like brownies, Mom."



Alrighty then.