Mystery solved! It's EYEBALLS!!!!!

So some of you might remember this post which may or may not have been too much information, but people this is some funny shit.

The Zanester was getting out of the shower the other night, and out of nowhere offered up some very important information.

"Do you know why it takes me so long to poop sometimes?"

"No, honey, I don't"

"They Bodder me."

"What bodders you honey?"

"Eyeballs"

he points to the floor where this sits



(sidebar - there is no cute little fluffy puppy in our bathroom)

"No problem, honey" I said, and threw the toilet paper under the sink.

"Now you should be fine."

"Nope." and he points to the area between the toilet and the sink cabinet....



(Eyeballs, people, eyeballs)

So I throw that under the sink as well.

"Well that should be it, right?"

"Nope." (and he points to the sink)



Yeah, that's right, he has a Spongebob Toothbrush....with eyeballs.

So we turn that around, and move the damn Dr. Seuss toothpaste to the side as well...because, well eyeballs



The pooping process has been much faster since then. Weird right? I know. But the EYEBALLS!!!! They BODDER him!!!

Did any of you feel like you were being watched when you were seven years old? Is this normal?


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Meandering Monday

To the other Mommy readers - Do you ever have one of those days, moments, hours, whatever, where your kid drives you absolutely b*o*n*k*e*r*s? I know the answer is yes, I just want to share my most recent one.

We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast. A once a in blue moon event. From the backseat there is a little voice.

"Mom? Why do love bugs stick their butts together?"

"And Mom? When do the love bugs show up?"

"And Mom? Can beetles poop?"

"And Mom? My friend says beetles eat their own poop."

"Mom? When do caterpillars come out?"

"I like caterpillars."

"And Mom?" Why do snails pee?"

"Mom? What is that yellow thingy?"

I kid you not people, all of these questions in a period of 10 minutes. CRAZY 7 year old boy minds.....

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At IHOP, a family was seated in the booth behind us. I overheard part of their order, and it went a little something like this:

man - "I'll have the (insert whatever omelet comes with salsa inside and on top) but I don't want any tomatoes."

waitress - "So, no salsa then?"

man - "No, I want the salsa, just no tomatoes."

me (and most likely the waitress) - "?"

Whatever peeps - Happy Monday!

Beetlejuice in my pocket....

I know it has been awhile, and I know it has only been about the Zanester lately, but this cannot go unpublished.

I picked him up from school today. We had the usual conversation about how his day was, and did he have any homework, yada yada yada.

All of a sudden....

"Ooooh, Mom!"

"Yes?"

"I have something for you in my pocket..."

Now I ask you my dear few readers, what do you think it was?

Was it a love note?

Was it a pretty drawing?

Was it a kiss or a hug?

NO.

This boy, this little love of mine had a pocket full of goodness.

A pocket full of joy.

A pocket full what every mom wants her beloved son to bring home to her....





That's right, beetles - seven of them to be exact.

What has your little sunshine brought home for you?


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His first attempt at a lie....sort of

It's been cold here lately. I sent Zane to school with a sweatshirt. When we got home last night, he went straight to his PSP and I went straight to his back pack to check homework, etc.

me - "Zane, where is the sweatshirt you wore to school?"

Zane from the other room... "You can see it on the 'puter."

me - "What?"

Zane - "On the 'puter, at school, you can see pictures."

me - "What are you talking about? Where is your sweatshirt?"

Zane - "Problee on the 'puter, they have cameras at school and you can see pictures of stuff."

me - "So, you lost your sweatshirt?

Zane - "Yeah"

me - "Short answers work best, honey."

Zane - "Huh?"

me - "Never mind."



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Six signs I am failing as a mother...

It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:


1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.

2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.

3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."

4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".

(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")

5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.

6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....

Where did I go wrong?


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A Sweet Little Interlude....

**NOTE: For the sake of this post, the Great White Lizard Hunter will be referred to by his real name, simply because it just makes sense.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.


"Hello Mama"

"Hello Zane"

"Hello Mom Mom"

"Hello Zane Zane"

"Hello sweet Mama"

"Hello sweet Zane"

"Hello pretty Mama"

"Hello cute Zane"

"Hello beautiful Mama"

"Hello handsome Zane"

"I love you Mama"

"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"


These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.




Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.

what a boy eats

update - I cannot figure out why this post is spaced out so weird - sorry in advance - it is annoying the hell out of me....

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a very strange appetite. I am sure it is entirely my fault. While pregnant with him, I craved hot peanuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & V8. Sometimes I would even have pumpkin pie & mashed potatoes on the same plate - for breakfast.

Anyweirdo - the little guy has some strange tastes as well.

Peanuts? Yes

Reeses Peanut Butter cups? You bet!

Peanut butter? Hell no

fritos? hell no

cheetos? no way

doritos? oh yes

doritos with tobasco? even better

butterscotch candy? oh yes

butterscotch pudding? no way

chicken in any form? of course

steak? nope

pork, if you cut it and tell him it's chicken? absolutely

shrimp? you bet

crab legs? begs for it = he can eat a pound of it

salmon? no

broccoli? YES! (he calls them trees)

carrots? YES!

corn? no way

corn on the cob? not anymore

corn bread muffin? absolutely

Ready for a shocker? The child, the 6 year old child, does.not.like.chocolate. He will eat m&m's and that is it - and only the mini ones at that!

This mutant son of mine also likes raw veggies; green peppers, red peppers, cucumber, raw onion, mushrooms, olives & even jalapenos!

Will he eat a salad? NO!!

Recently, I let him make his own dinner. I have a picture, but can't bring myself to post it. He ate popcorn, cheese, black olives & wheat thins. yummy!!! *eye roll*

Do you know how hard it is to feed this kid?

He's a slow pooper.......

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.

He doesn't like to actually go poop.

This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.

The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.

"He's pooping" I say.

"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"

Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.

Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.

We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"

I almost dropped the phone from laughter -

"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"

"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."

What is wrong with these pictures?

First:



Answer: Hershey is not making the ducks leave, thereby letting them shit their nasty slime all over my yard.


Second:



Answer: It is 80 degrees outside and we are hanging Christmas lights.


Third:



Answer: What is my son doing on the roof with a broom?

Fourth:



This is what happens when 6 year old boys help you decorate your gingerbread house.




Batman, The Incredible Hulk, dinosaurs, army men, spiders & bugs, drunk clowns.....





What do you people think??????? Any observations? Any comments?

Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux

The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.

Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at the gates of hell Chuck-E-Cheese.

So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?

Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?

What am I missing here?

Apparently I am going to use the word Apparently a lot in this post.

So, apparently there is some cartoon called Bakugon.
Apparently it is all the rage with young boys/kids.
Apparently my son is a huge fan.
Apparently I am not as good a mother as I thought, because I.had.no.idea.

At the bowling alley Saturday, the Great White Lizard Hunter finds what looks to me like a little black ball. He starts going ape shit yelling Bakugon! Bakugon!

I'm looking at him like he has three heads trying to figure out what he is saying. I ask the Oilybeauhunk if he has a clue. He just shrugs and shakes his head.

You would think the kid found the last golden ticket.

For the rest of the day it was Bakugon Stand! Bakugon Rumble! Bakugon! Bakugon!

Flash forward to Sunday morning. While reading the paper I see an ad for a Bakugon Rumble Arena or something to that effect. Well now my interest is picqued. The Oilybeauhunk and I decide, we are going to go out and get that kid some Bakugon shit toys.

Yeah. Apparently Bakugon is a *HOT* item this year.

Toys-r-us? Sold Out
Wal-Mart? Sold Out
K-Mart? Sold Out
Target? Sold Out
KB Toys? Sold Out

Holy hell.

When we got home from our failed mission I got online.
Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be receiving the $150 Mack Daddy Deluxe Bakugon Starter Pack in the mail within 5-12 days.

Apparently, I am insane.

208 year old Farted Boogers - 6 year old style

We had dinner at Outback recently. (One of our usual places.) The kids menu/coloring book had finally changed. It had one of those stories where you fill in the blanks with verbs, adverbs, exclamations etc. I totally had to keep this one to share, 'cuz damn. The Great White Lizard Hunter is a true American 6 year old. I will type the "story" as is, with his words in color. Enjoy.





It was a snowy day when Scrumper decided to look for games in the Outback. She ran over to her friends's house and on the way stepped in gum, which made her smell like dog poop. Scrumper got to Haiden's house and when the door opened, her friend yelled crap! "Let's go to the Great Barrier Reef," said Scrumper, "so I can wash off my brain." When they arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, they found two shoes that had washed up on shore. This find looked to be 208 years old! After looking at it further, they came to realize that what they found was in fact boogers left over from someone farting!




I had no idea that you could fart boogers!
All hail the 6 year old brain!

I choked on my burp.

The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:

"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."

Oh.My.God.

The Egg Timer

Lately, the Great White Lizard Hunter's life is measured only in minutes.

If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"

If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."


This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!


How many more minutes 'til Friday?

How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?

How many minutes is 120 minutes?


Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.


It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.


The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."