The Faerie Who was Kissed by the Pixies.

20 Years ago my friend and I got silly little tattoos on our ankles after an afternoon of drinking on the beach. I was so proud of my little red rose and thought I was pretty cool.

20 Years later, that bright little rose on my ankle is now a fading black/grey smudge.

My dear friend Lisa left me, her friends, and her family last month. (I'm not ready to write that story yet)

While cleaning out her apartment, I found a book of Faeries. Lisa loved faeries and that was evidenced by the plethora of them in and around her home.

Several pages of the book were earmarked with notations. She had wanted to get one of those faeries tattooed on her.

Since she was never able to do so before leaving this world, I made the ultimate decision to get one for her.

That little red rose that took all of fifteen minutes to get has got nothing on this bitch.

After 2 hours and 40 minutes I am now branded for life.

Or you could say I am branded for Lisa.

Behold the Faerie Who Was Kissed by the Pixies....

Hi!?! Anyone still there? (tap tap tap)

Sorry that I've been gone awhile. Here are a few reasons why....







Oh and then there is this whole thing hanging over our heads....




Then our sweet little Misty Girl had to have emergency surgery....




Oh and then my very best friend in the whole wide universe went and killed herself with absolutely no warning....




Needless to say, I've been a little pre-occupied. Will any of you still be here? Obviously, I have a lot of stories to tell......


Kaila

Mystery solved! It's EYEBALLS!!!!!

So some of you might remember this post which may or may not have been too much information, but people this is some funny shit.

The Zanester was getting out of the shower the other night, and out of nowhere offered up some very important information.

"Do you know why it takes me so long to poop sometimes?"

"No, honey, I don't"

"They Bodder me."

"What bodders you honey?"

"Eyeballs"

he points to the floor where this sits



(sidebar - there is no cute little fluffy puppy in our bathroom)

"No problem, honey" I said, and threw the toilet paper under the sink.

"Now you should be fine."

"Nope." and he points to the area between the toilet and the sink cabinet....



(Eyeballs, people, eyeballs)

So I throw that under the sink as well.

"Well that should be it, right?"

"Nope." (and he points to the sink)



Yeah, that's right, he has a Spongebob Toothbrush....with eyeballs.

So we turn that around, and move the damn Dr. Seuss toothpaste to the side as well...because, well eyeballs



The pooping process has been much faster since then. Weird right? I know. But the EYEBALLS!!!! They BODDER him!!!

Did any of you feel like you were being watched when you were seven years old? Is this normal?


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Excellent Injury Thursday #3

It's been a long time since I started this series. This particular "excellent injury" really doesn't compare to this one or this one. At least the end result picture doesn't do it justice like the previous ones.

So anyway, we had our redneck caps on and were sporting our rebel flags. (not really) We were at the mud pit gettin' our jeeps dirtay.




That is totally me. Proof? You need proof? Well here I am conducting a little business after my last run.




I wasn't conducting business at all. I was trying to locate our buddy with the rope because the Oilybeauhunk was stuck. No way I was pulling him out! He's got a jeep too, and I had already been stuck...twice.



I located the puller-outer and we continued to get dirtay.

However, when the beer was gone day was done, we headed home for the arduous task of cleaning the dirtay vehicles.

We parked in the driveway and assessed our situation.

Mud.Lots.Of.Mud.

The Oilybeauhunk did the proper thing and gathered hoses, and scrub brushes and cleaning supplies. I did what every respectable redneck wannabe does and went in the house to don my bikini top and daisy dukes. (Isn't that how you are supposed to dress to wash a car?) I thought so.

So, we are hosing, and scrubbing and washing and hosing....(not that kind of hosing - not in the driveway anyway - unless it's dark out and the neighbors are asleep - note to self, check u-tube).

I saw a clump of mud on my windshield. At the top, in the middle, I couldn't quite reach it. What does a drunk redneck girl in a bikini top and daisy dukes do in that situation?

She climbs up on the wet and soapy hood of her jeep to get said clump of mud. Duh!

While I was up there on that wet and soapy hood of the jeep, some dudes drove by and waved. So I did what every redneck girl would do. I flashed my boobs waved back!...while kneeling on the hood, of the jeep, wet with soap.

So, yeah, I slipped RIGHT OFF, landed on the driveway directly on my kneecap and then fell over into the muddy yard. "I need the hose" I yelled. The Oilybeauhunk hadn't seen a thing (whew). He had the Zanester bring me the hose.

"Mom's in the dirt, Oilybeauhunk"

"What?"

"What happened, Kaila?"

"Nothing, I just need the hose."

"Why are you in the mud? What the fuck happened to your knee?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. You slid off the damn jeep didn't you."

"?"

"Go sit down, I think you are in shock."

"OK"

Turns out, I was in shock. My knee hurt like hell, and I had to ice it down for eight hours. I limped for 4 days.

Here's a pretty lame picture from a couple days later...




Sorry I didn't get a better one, but the story should stand for itself. Do any of you have excellent injury stories? If so, you must share. I have plenty more.



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Beetlejuice in my pocket....

I know it has been awhile, and I know it has only been about the Zanester lately, but this cannot go unpublished.

I picked him up from school today. We had the usual conversation about how his day was, and did he have any homework, yada yada yada.

All of a sudden....

"Ooooh, Mom!"

"Yes?"

"I have something for you in my pocket..."

Now I ask you my dear few readers, what do you think it was?

Was it a love note?

Was it a pretty drawing?

Was it a kiss or a hug?

NO.

This boy, this little love of mine had a pocket full of goodness.

A pocket full of joy.

A pocket full what every mom wants her beloved son to bring home to her....





That's right, beetles - seven of them to be exact.

What has your little sunshine brought home for you?


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Six signs I am failing as a mother...

It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:


1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.

2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.

3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."

4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".

(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")

5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.

6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....

Where did I go wrong?


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More unfortunate conversations with the OilyBeauHunk....

So President Obama was in mah hood today. I watched the whole thing at work on my computer. My man took his little "hurricane TV" to work with him so he could watch in his Jeep at lunch. Did y'all see McDonald's boy? Good Lord.

So tonight, we were discussing the townhall meeting.

Man: I would have hit McDonald's boy square in the face and then raised my hand for a question.

me: OK, and then what?

Man: I would say, "Mr. President, what, exactly are you going to do with people like us whose home is worth less than half of their mortgage? "

me: He addressed that honey, he will be making a statement in the next two weeks about the mortgage crisis.

Man: Horseshit, I would raise my hand again and say "You are here in the foreclosure capital of the country to tell us what you are going to do, I want an answer now."

me: No, Honey, that is not exactly why he was here. He was here to talk about the stimulus package.

Man: What? Well then, that's when I would go batshit crazy -

me: (cutting him off) and that is when the Secret Service would escort you out swiftly and quietly.

Man: "Don't tase me bro!"


laughter..............

ps: Zane's big take on the day? "All those motorcycles were cool!"



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Brain Fart - Yo!

Hi All!
This is my 100 year old cat Mad Hettie.




She is demonstrating how I feel right now - and she's doing it well.....




Poor kitteh.....



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25 things you really don't want or need to know...

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...




1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.