It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:
1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.
2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.
3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."
4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".
(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")
5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.
6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....
Where did I go wrong?
.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Eff you, Stormy
Is anyone familiar with this website< Because this is how I feel about Stormy, also known as laid back dog.
This dog is FAT. She can squeeze her fat ass *out* of the "doggy door", but it looks like a sausage going through the ringer. She cannot, however, get back in. Weird, I know.
There are times though, where she is lazy, and if you are anywhere near said doggy door, she will just stand there staring at it and wagging her tail, while looking back at you with a look on her face that says "um, open this door because there is some person or dog, or squirrel, or UFO, or Jehovah Witness, or GodIDontKnow, but there is something or someone that isn't really there that I must immediately wake up from a dead sleep and squeeze through that infernal cat/dog door to go bark at."
Getting back in is a whole different story because going out, she steps down about 4 inches, therefore trying to get back in, well, umm, she gets stuck. So she resorts to sticking her head in and out of the door. Good Lord, the head poking through the magnetic little door drives me effing batty. Head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip clap, head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip click clap, head in.......... you get the point.........
I often want to poke needles into my eyes because of the torture she puts me through with the Clicking.Oh.The.Clicking.
For the record, she hardly ever (read: never) (except for the other night) goes out in the middle of the night. Recently, one night, she had to make an emergency "evacuation" in the middle of the night. I heard her squeeze her fat ass through the kitty/doggy door and then fell back into a nice comfortable slumber. Until I was awoken to the sounds of a fucking bull in a china shop.Fatass, Stormy, tried to get back in through the door herself. By ramming it over and over. It doesn't work this way people. It sounded like a plane was crash landing on our house.
*BOOM* Stormy ramming the door
*BOOM* Stormy trying to break the door off it's hinges
overandoverandover until she busts her way through.
Her shoulders don't fit coming back in... this is a neverending story.
Kill me now - or just take the dog............please?
This dog is FAT. She can squeeze her fat ass *out* of the "doggy door", but it looks like a sausage going through the ringer. She cannot, however, get back in. Weird, I know.
There are times though, where she is lazy, and if you are anywhere near said doggy door, she will just stand there staring at it and wagging her tail, while looking back at you with a look on her face that says "um, open this door because there is some person or dog, or squirrel, or UFO, or Jehovah Witness, or GodIDontKnow, but there is something or someone that isn't really there that I must immediately wake up from a dead sleep and squeeze through that infernal cat/dog door to go bark at."
Getting back in is a whole different story because going out, she steps down about 4 inches, therefore trying to get back in, well, umm, she gets stuck. So she resorts to sticking her head in and out of the door. Good Lord, the head poking through the magnetic little door drives me effing batty. Head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip clap, head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip click clap, head in.......... you get the point.........
I often want to poke needles into my eyes because of the torture she puts me through with the Clicking.Oh.The.Clicking.
For the record, she hardly ever (read: never) (except for the other night) goes out in the middle of the night. Recently, one night, she had to make an emergency "evacuation" in the middle of the night. I heard her squeeze her fat ass through the kitty/doggy door and then fell back into a nice comfortable slumber. Until I was awoken to the sounds of a fucking bull in a china shop.
*BOOM* Stormy ramming the door
*BOOM* Stormy trying to break the door off it's hinges
overandoverandover until she busts her way through.
Her shoulders don't fit coming back in... this is a neverending story.
Kill me now - or just take the dog............please?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
More unfortunate conversations with the OilyBeauHunk....
So President Obama was in mah hood today. I watched the whole thing at work on my computer. My man took his little "hurricane TV" to work with him so he could watch in his Jeep at lunch. Did y'all see McDonald's boy? Good Lord.
So tonight, we were discussing the townhall meeting.
Man: I would have hit McDonald's boy square in the face and then raised my hand for a question.
me: OK, and then what?
Man: I would say, "Mr. President, what, exactly are you going to do with people like us whose home is worth less than half of their mortgage? "
me: He addressed that honey, he will be making a statement in the next two weeks about the mortgage crisis.
Man: Horseshit, I would raise my hand again and say "You are here in the foreclosure capital of the country to tell us what you are going to do, I want an answer now."
me: No, Honey, that is not exactly why he was here. He was here to talk about the stimulus package.
Man: What? Well then, that's when I would go batshit crazy -
me: (cutting him off) and that is when the Secret Service would escort you out swiftly and quietly.
Man: "Don't tase me bro!"
laughter..............
ps: Zane's big take on the day? "All those motorcycles were cool!"
.
So tonight, we were discussing the townhall meeting.
Man: I would have hit McDonald's boy square in the face and then raised my hand for a question.
me: OK, and then what?
Man: I would say, "Mr. President, what, exactly are you going to do with people like us whose home is worth less than half of their mortgage? "
me: He addressed that honey, he will be making a statement in the next two weeks about the mortgage crisis.
Man: Horseshit, I would raise my hand again and say "You are here in the foreclosure capital of the country to tell us what you are going to do, I want an answer now."
me: No, Honey, that is not exactly why he was here. He was here to talk about the stimulus package.
Man: What? Well then, that's when I would go batshit crazy -
me: (cutting him off) and that is when the Secret Service would escort you out swiftly and quietly.
Man: "Don't tase me bro!"
laughter..............
ps: Zane's big take on the day? "All those motorcycles were cool!"
.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Brain Fart - Yo!
Hi All!
This is my 100 year old cat Mad Hettie.
She is demonstrating how I feel right now - and she's doing it well.....
Poor kitteh.....
.
This is my 100 year old cat Mad Hettie.
She is demonstrating how I feel right now - and she's doing it well.....
Poor kitteh.....
.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Roller Heaven & Hell
Throughout Junior High and part of High School, I lived at the Paramount Skating Rink. Roller skating was my life, my passion, my thing. Actually, I went because the skating rink was next door to the bowling alley, so our parents were able to do their league thing while us kids were safely next door skating our brains out. And also because I knew that eventually, Aaron would show up.
I had my very own pair of skates and they looked like this:
Except I had big pink pom poms with bells on them.
I can still remember waiting fervently for Aaron to show up at the rink. He was the skating God. I was in love. He was my first crush. He was handsome and (in my eyes)he could do everything. I would hone my skating skills until he got there and wait with bated breath for the "ladies choice slow skate". I would stalk him in the arcade and follow him to the concession area. Occasionally he would agree to the slow skate, but my unrequited love was always there. I would go home and cry and cry and cry, because "Mom, he just doesn't love me the way I love him." Teenage love and angst is a bitch.
Don Henley's song "Dirty Laundry" was a sure bet for the backward skate, and I was out there every time. I could do the crazy figure eight thing with my skates, both forward and backward. I was awesome.
Of course there were the skating games like the limbo, and the dice game and shooting the duck, (which I almost always won).
When the movie Boogie Nights came out, my little brother started calling me Roller Girl, even though I hadn't been skating in years.
So when Zane, the Great White Lizard Hunter, started begging me to go roller skating, I was all over it.
I told him how awesome I was, I bragged like a school girl - then we got to the rink Sunday afternoon, and I put on my pair of rented skates.
Roller skating is not like riding a bike, people. 25 years can do a lot to a person. I stood up, still confident, and promptly almost ate shit.
I got my bearings, and was able to make it around the rink. I even did the backward skate, but the fancy figure eights eluded me, and my arms did a lit of wind-milling!
Meanwhile, the little guy was doing circles around me in his roller blades. Show Off!
I think my favorite part of this experience were they guys. The guys my age and older, who apparently never stopped skating since the 80's. They were going around in circles, tightly packed together, skating their signature moves in line with one another, shoulders bouncing up and down. 40 something guys skating disco-like to Rihanna's Disturbia is just a little unnerving! They thought they were the shit though, and they were showing off for us Moms just like we were back in Junior High and patiently waiting for the slow skate so they could act all cool in the arcade while us girls scoped them out and begged for a partner.
Today, I am sore, but I am happy to have relived that experience, and look forward to going again. I even picked out a brand new pair of pretty white skates with pink wheels and laces. I might just get them. I'll forego the poms poms this time, though.
Do you guys have any fun skating rink memories?
I had my very own pair of skates and they looked like this:
Except I had big pink pom poms with bells on them.
I can still remember waiting fervently for Aaron to show up at the rink. He was the skating God. I was in love. He was my first crush. He was handsome and (in my eyes)he could do everything. I would hone my skating skills until he got there and wait with bated breath for the "ladies choice slow skate". I would stalk him in the arcade and follow him to the concession area. Occasionally he would agree to the slow skate, but my unrequited love was always there. I would go home and cry and cry and cry, because "Mom, he just doesn't love me the way I love him." Teenage love and angst is a bitch.
Don Henley's song "Dirty Laundry" was a sure bet for the backward skate, and I was out there every time. I could do the crazy figure eight thing with my skates, both forward and backward. I was awesome.
Of course there were the skating games like the limbo, and the dice game and shooting the duck, (which I almost always won).
When the movie Boogie Nights came out, my little brother started calling me Roller Girl, even though I hadn't been skating in years.
So when Zane, the Great White Lizard Hunter, started begging me to go roller skating, I was all over it.
I told him how awesome I was, I bragged like a school girl - then we got to the rink Sunday afternoon, and I put on my pair of rented skates.
Roller skating is not like riding a bike, people. 25 years can do a lot to a person. I stood up, still confident, and promptly almost ate shit.
I got my bearings, and was able to make it around the rink. I even did the backward skate, but the fancy figure eights eluded me, and my arms did a lit of wind-milling!
Meanwhile, the little guy was doing circles around me in his roller blades. Show Off!
I think my favorite part of this experience were they guys. The guys my age and older, who apparently never stopped skating since the 80's. They were going around in circles, tightly packed together, skating their signature moves in line with one another, shoulders bouncing up and down. 40 something guys skating disco-like to Rihanna's Disturbia is just a little unnerving! They thought they were the shit though, and they were showing off for us Moms just like we were back in Junior High and patiently waiting for the slow skate so they could act all cool in the arcade while us girls scoped them out and begged for a partner.
Today, I am sore, but I am happy to have relived that experience, and look forward to going again. I even picked out a brand new pair of pretty white skates with pink wheels and laces. I might just get them. I'll forego the poms poms this time, though.
Do you guys have any fun skating rink memories?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 things you really don't want or need to know...
I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...
1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.
2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.
3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.
4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!
5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.
6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.
7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)
8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.
9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.
10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.
11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.
12. One of my best friends is a witch.
13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.
14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.
15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)
16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.
17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.
18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.
19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)
20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)
21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!
22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.
23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.
24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.
25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.
1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.
2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.
3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.
4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!
5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.
6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.
7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)
8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.
9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.
10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.
11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.
12. One of my best friends is a witch.
13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.
14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.
15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)
16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.
17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.
18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.
19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)
20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)
21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!
22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.
23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.
24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.
25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I am a major slacker and here are a few reasons why I suck ..
I have not been a very good blogger lately. I am so caught up in reading other people's shit, that I can't seem to write anything myself. That being said, I need to start carrying around a little notepad, because every single day something comes up that I can/should write about, but when I get home or get the chance, it all eludes me.
Then, of course, I could blog about the Zanester (GWLH) almost every day, but who wants to read that drivel day after day? (I'm sure you wouldn't mind, Mom) Although I must mention that his dinner request tonight was awesome: 1 pizza roll and 13 chicken fries.
Not to mention, a few months back, Holly, ran a "pay it forward" post/contest that I was one of the winners of, and I have yet to pay it forward. I really need to get my shit together.
If certain people weren't so damn entertaining, I could write something worthwhile. Not to mention I am also addicted tostupid awesome sites like Icanhazcheeseburger, failblog, passiveaggresivenotes, postsecret, cakewrecks, lovelylisting, dlisted, commonties, yousuckatcraigslist, whywomenhatemen, etc.
And then there is the following:
Sam just had a baby and her effing site crashed in the middle of everything.
Momofali's son just had surgery.
Mistressmom is going through some inner turmoil.
Of course there is FADKOG who is my hero.
And then, Bejewell who lost her beloved Simon and is at a loss for words, which brought me full circle to this
For some reason lately, I can't stop reading about other people's lives and still write about mine.
And finally, I tend to find myself much more clever when posting comments on someone else's blog than when I am writing my own post- so I guess I need to find my skin. (what the hell does that mean? GAH)
Bear/Bare(?) with me people, I know you are out there.....I will come back with something good. Please don't ditch me now!
What gives you writer's block? What makes your brain stop working, besides beer or illicit drugs? Who do you read that will inspire me or make me stop blogging altogether? I want to know....
Then, of course, I could blog about the Zanester (GWLH) almost every day, but who wants to read that drivel day after day? (I'm sure you wouldn't mind, Mom) Although I must mention that his dinner request tonight was awesome: 1 pizza roll and 13 chicken fries.
Not to mention, a few months back, Holly, ran a "pay it forward" post/contest that I was one of the winners of, and I have yet to pay it forward. I really need to get my shit together.
If certain people weren't so damn entertaining, I could write something worthwhile. Not to mention I am also addicted to
And then there is the following:
Sam just had a baby and her effing site crashed in the middle of everything.
Momofali's son just had surgery.
Mistressmom is going through some inner turmoil.
Of course there is FADKOG who is my hero.
And then, Bejewell who lost her beloved Simon and is at a loss for words, which brought me full circle to this
For some reason lately, I can't stop reading about other people's lives and still write about mine.
And finally, I tend to find myself much more clever when posting comments on someone else's blog than when I am writing my own post- so I guess I need to find my skin. (what the hell does that mean? GAH)
Bear/Bare(?) with me people, I know you are out there.....I will come back with something good. Please don't ditch me now!
What gives you writer's block? What makes your brain stop working, besides beer or illicit drugs? Who do you read that will inspire me or make me stop blogging altogether? I want to know....
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Sweet Little Interlude....
**NOTE: For the sake of this post, the Great White Lizard Hunter will be referred to by his real name, simply because it just makes sense.
The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.
"Hello Mama"
"Hello Zane"
"Hello Mom Mom"
"Hello Zane Zane"
"Hello sweet Mama"
"Hello sweet Zane"
"Hello pretty Mama"
"Hello cute Zane"
"Hello beautiful Mama"
"Hello handsome Zane"
"I love you Mama"
"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"
These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.
Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.
The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.
"Hello Mama"
"Hello Zane"
"Hello Mom Mom"
"Hello Zane Zane"
"Hello sweet Mama"
"Hello sweet Zane"
"Hello pretty Mama"
"Hello cute Zane"
"Hello beautiful Mama"
"Hello handsome Zane"
"I love you Mama"
"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"
These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.
Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The "egg in my tummy" turns 7 today and he isn't any bigger
"Am I bigger?"
This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.
"Am I bigger, Mom?"
"Get up and let's see."
He stands up and looks at me.
"I'm bigger right?"
"Not really, honey."
"But I'm seven, right?"
"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."
"Then why I'm not bigger?"
***********************************************
That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.
"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"
"Sure, honey, sort of."
"But how did I get to be a baby?"
uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?
"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"
"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."
"Like scrambled eggs?"
"Yup"
We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink
This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.
"Am I bigger, Mom?"
"Get up and let's see."
He stands up and looks at me.
"I'm bigger right?"
"Not really, honey."
"But I'm seven, right?"
"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."
"Then why I'm not bigger?"
***********************************************
That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.
"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"
"Sure, honey, sort of."
"But how did I get to be a baby?"
uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?
"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"
"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."
"Like scrambled eggs?"
"Yup"
We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink
Monday, January 12, 2009
what a boy eats
update - I cannot figure out why this post is spaced out so weird - sorry in advance - it is annoying the hell out of me....
The Great White Lizard Hunter has a very strange appetite. I am sure it is entirely my fault. While pregnant with him, I craved hot peanuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & V8. Sometimes I would even have pumpkin pie & mashed potatoes on the same plate - for breakfast.
Anyweirdo - the little guy has some strange tastes as well.
Peanuts? Yes
Reeses Peanut Butter cups? You bet!
Peanut butter? Hell no
fritos? hell no
cheetos? no way
doritos? oh yes
doritos with tobasco? even better
butterscotch candy? oh yes
butterscotch pudding? no way
chicken in any form? of course
steak? nope
pork, if you cut it and tell him it's chicken? absolutely
shrimp? you bet
crab legs? begs for it = he can eat a pound of it
salmon? no
broccoli? YES! (he calls them trees)
carrots? YES!
corn? no way
corn on the cob? not anymore
corn bread muffin? absolutely
Ready for a shocker? The child, the 6 year old child, does.not.like.chocolate. He will eat m&m's and that is it - and only the mini ones at that!
This mutant son of mine also likes raw veggies; green peppers, red peppers, cucumber, raw onion, mushrooms, olives & even jalapenos!
Will he eat a salad? NO!!
Recently, I let him make his own dinner. I have a picture, but can't bring myself to post it. He ate popcorn, cheese, black olives & wheat thins. yummy!!! *eye roll*
Do you know how hard it is to feed this kid?
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